Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things It Turns Out You Need Your Back For

  • Sitting.
  • Standing.
  • Going from one to the other without shrieking.
  • Breathing.
  • Coughing.
  • Sneezing. (Sweet Jesus of Puerto Rico: sneezing.)
  • Maintaining any sort of pimp hand.
  • Board games.
  • Wakeboarding.
  • Magic, actual.
  • Magic, illusions and stuff.
  • Hanging out the passenger’s side of my best friend’s ride, trying to holler at Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.
  • Mourning Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.
  • Feeding one’s self.
  • Bathroom stuff.
  • Cross-country skiing.
  • Downhill skiing.
  • Let’s just rule out all alpine sports.
  • Here’s a fun fact: you don’t actually need your back to brush your teeth.
  • But you sure as fuck need it to bend down and spit out the paste and drink from the faucet to wash your mouth out.
  • So you just do your sad shuffle around the house looking for a glass that requires no effort to pick up.
  • Maybe you start crying a little.
  • Well, maybe you don’t, but someone in this conversation does/did/is currently.
  • Caber tossing.
  • Public speaking.
  • Taking your dick out at Foot Locker.
  • Going back to that island where all the dinosaurs live for the fourth time.
  • I have no sympathy for anyone who gets eaten; I am actively rooting for the reptiles; nuke it from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure.
  • It also hurt when I made a boom-boom.


  1. You left out “throwing some D.” Or even “lightly tossing some D.” Feel better!

  2. I legitimately read “shrieking” as “Shreking.” I need to get off the fuckin internet sometimes.

  3. Kratom can help if you don’t want to, or can’t go the formal “pain, kill” route.

  4. This is true: I smashed a couple vertebrae once and became a Disabled Veteran. Mostly a technicality as I can do most stuff, but running for miles and moving big explodey things around is definitely out forever.

    I’m sharing this because I believe the experience qualifies me to dispense medical advice: Don’t let them open your back up, ever, for any reason that could be described as “elective.”

    Hope it goes away soon.

  5. You poor bastard. I’ve been there. One word for when you recover: Yoga. Ignore the “namastes” and all the other orientalist BS and help your back to not do that to you again.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.