Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things More Unnecessary Than All-Star Tribute Jams

  • Tits on a bull.
  • Another hole in the head.
  • A limp dick at an orgy.
  • A bookstore in Las Vegas.
  • Formalwear on Palau.
  • Nor Tonga.
  • Let’s just say that dinner jacket and starched shirtfronts are a waste of luggage space if you’re going anywhere in the South Pacific.
  • Unless you’re going to be the Ambassador to the joint; then you should err on the cautious side.
  • Those coffee machines that make your coffee and fuck up the planet one expensive pod at a time.
  • And, besides the cost and waste, they faciliate a brain-dead way of dealing with the world. (“PUSH BUTTON GET MORNING JUICE YAAAY.”)
  • Coffee should be drunk a pot at a time, anyway.
  • States. Fuck states. Even the good ones are shit. They’re just as complicated as the federal government, but with no money and everyone is an idiot.
  • Commonwealths, too.
  • The Point After. No NFL kicker ever misses the things, so there’s never any conflict or interest; at this point, they’re just this weird addendum that exists because of tradition, like the Indy 500 winner getting doused in milk, or boxing champs being rapists.
  • Here’s how you fix it: touchdowns are now worth seven. After scoring, a team could simply kick off; no PAT. But, a team could also go for a five yard play from under center OR a FG attempt from the 25.
  • Now this is the cool thing: if you succeed, you get two points. If you don’t: one point OFF, leaving you with six points for the score instead of the seven points you would have had had you stood pat.
  • Can you imagine Andy Reid trying to figure this out? At least one coach would completely screw the pooch every week and it would be the most goddamn entertaining thing you’ve ever seen.
  • I fixed football: more math.
  • Vests, unless they are neon and mandated by OSHA, or you are Han Solo.
  • Also permitted to wear vests: American Indian dudes, biker dudes, building superintendents in sitcoms, members of the Warriors street gang.
  • Surf and Turf. Just get the steak, you gluttonous sow. People are starving; don’t be an asshole at the dinner table.
  • On the subject of food: any meat that tastes like chicken is unnecessary. We have enough chickens. Maybe more than enough.
  • Chicken is so plentiful and universally available in this country that is has become the referent to other meats. When we say that something “tastes like chicken,” what we’re really saying is “chicken is paramount and supreme.”
  • Chicken is hegemonic.
  • The jumpsuits and stationery recently purchased by the Irish Space Agency.
  • Nunchucks. Cool, but not necessary.
  • Being at Waffle House at four in the morning is so unfathomably unnecessary I cannot explain it: no one needs to be at Waffle House at four in the morning.
  • Except for meth addicts. They kinda need to be there.
  • Probably to buy more meth. It’s certainly not for the food.
  • Don’t do meth.
  • Anymore Spider-Man movies for a while.
  • At least six professional hockey teams. Tampa Bay shouldn’t have a team: hockey should not be played where ice does not occur naturally.
  • Nipples. (Men.)
  • All this drama. (Women.)
  • Appendices, coccyx bones, pinkie toes. (Everybody.)
  • Portugal. Just be Spain, Portugal. It’s like all you have is that you’re not Spain.
  • Just be Spain.
  • Because right now, all you are is Shitty Brazil.
  • Having the words “flammable” and “inflammable” be the same thing is the apotheosis of unnecessary. Yes, it’s a Dr. Nick joke, but as a culture – shouldn’t we be more specific about what will and what won’t explode if you’re a dick to it?
  • Why are we so vague in this important area? Why leave any confusion at all?
  • Just have “flammable” and “non-flammable.” Get rid of inflammable.
  • Ned Lagin.

1 Comment

  1. Hmmmm, Ned Lagin being the prize for boxing champ/rapist would be an interesting tradition. Long weekend up here in Ontario, time for me to go to bed

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