Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things Not To Do Around The Pope

  • Lunge.
  • Fistbump.
  • Invite him for Netflix and Chill.
  • Popes do not Netflix and Chill.
  • Ask him how he thinks the Colts will do this year.
  • Reach furtively into your jacket.
  • Americans are a casual people, but greeting the Pope by saying, “Frank, you cocksucker! Been a while! How’s your bird?” would be inappropriate.
  • Do not drink red wine around the Pope.
  • Nor eat spaghetti.
  • Scratch your balls.
  • Scratch your lady-balls.
  • Mention the Falkland Islands.
  • If you absolutely must, call them the Malvinas, at least.
  • Speaking of Argentina, let’s not mention their policy towards Nazis after the war, either.
  • (It was an open door policy.)
  • Poop your pants.
  • Poop your habit.
  • Poop your choir robes.
  • Let’s just say that there will be no pooping in the Pope’s presence.
  • I suppose it would be polite to inquire about Francis’ predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, but try not to use the words “creepy-ass fuckwad,” “Emperor Palpatine,” or “the clearly, obviously, blatantly homosexual one.”
  • If there were ever a good time to use babies as weapons, this would be the opposite.
  • Please do not grab your baby by the fat little ankles and swing it into the Pope.
  • That would be wrong.
  • Do not bring up CrossFit around Pop Francis: he will not shut the fuck up about it.
  • We get it: you’re down two cassock sizes and your miter needed to be hemmed; good for you, Francis.
  • Do not call him Francis.
  • He prefers Chainsaw.


  1. Mention the fact that the Catholic Church is a force of pure evil in the world and he’s the nice, happy marketing face on it.

  2. Bonnie Lass of Fenario

    September 22, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    If you just stay away, you’ll have no trouble not doing things.


    September 22, 2015 at 8:39 pm

    Have a dissenting opinion in Cuba.

  4. I’ve heard the Crossfit has him considering a gluten-free almond flour Host.

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