• No, Mr. Owsley, you cannot “soup up” the audio tour. Stop calling it the Walk of Sound.
  • Parish, you’ve got to help me: I’ve accidentally invited TWO DATES to the fundraising ball!
  • Gentlemen, I’m not going to point fingers and play the blame game and name names, but using the museum to stage a fake blood drive is going to stop immediately, Phil.
  • There won’t be any dinosaurs, Bobby. It’s an art museum.
  • Everyone needs to put on their trousers right damn now.
  • Billy, that’s not performance art.
  • There have been some great reviews for Keith’s sculpture of himself. Oh, that’s actually him? He’s been lying there motionless for, like, nine days. Perhaps we should call a docent.
  • No, I don’t know what a docent is, either, but it’s the museum and something’s gone awry, so you call the docent. There is a chain of command here, Grateful Dead!
  • But it doesn’t matter because you have dosed all of them.
  • Yes, yes: doses, docent. Quite clever.
  • Billy, stop doing performance art.
  • No, Bobby: the eyes of that painting are not following you around the–oh, Mickey’s cut eyeholes in the art and is standing behind the canvas looking at people. Good call, Bobby.
  • Come out from there, Mickey. Why are you naked?
  • Garcia’ll be fine: I put him in the sculpture park. It’s just steel and gravel out there.
  • I’ve told you this already, Mr. Mydland: museums don’t have mascots. Take off the costume.
  • Why is Bill Graham haranguing schoolchildren in Yiddish?
  • We don’t allow camping because it is a museum of art; there cannot be filthy teenagers taking doodies directly outside.
  • I’m sorry, I don’t see a “Ned Lagin” on the Will Call list, possibly because there is no Will Call list, probably because it’s a museum. Why are the whole hairy lot so fuzzy on the concept of “museum?”
  • Phil, you’re doing a great job running the food court, but I think charging $200 to eat sandwiches while you jam with your sons is a bit excessive.
  • Vince, for the third time: your new character, down-home surrealist Salvador Golly is just not a hit. Please stop doing the routine. Also, buddy: pants.
  • We’re just going to require that there be no more naked Grateful Deads in the museum, please. It’s not an unreasonable request.
  • Attention museum patrons: we are going to need to evacuate the building immediately, please. All attempts to prevent Billy from doing performance art have failed. I repeat: Billy is doing performance art.