Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things That Don't Cause Autism

  • Nailing dogs together.
  • Vegan barbecues. (I guess that’s just eating kale outside. No fire: it’s cruel to the trees.)
  • Reruns of The Love Boat.
  • Billy taking you to Knott’s Berry Farm, eating a shitload of ‘shrooms, and projectile vomiting on the loop-de-loop when the car is at the very top, so when you come down, it hits you in the face unexpectedly.
  • The all-new Surface Pro 3.
  • Polo. (Both kinds.)
  • An icy, withholding mother.
  • Slam poetry.
  • Two minutes for slashing.
  • Anything from the food court except those foul, butter-soaked pretzels from Auntie Anne’s that smell like junkie vomit. Those cause autism.
  • A well-turned double play
  • Butter knives.
  • Renowned nutrition expert Marion Nestle.
  • Twitter.
  • The never-aired television pilot Camping With Phil. Phil got as far as his backyard and proclaimed camping to be for “dudes who wanna jack each other off under pine trees and Hitler Youth.” He then got drunk and started firing his shotgun at random noises and the production crew.
  • Labrador Retrievers wearing bandanas.
  • The greatest show-biz memoir of all time, Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, Jr.
  • Vaccines.


  1. You sumbitch how could you slander the Love Boat an iconic American television series with PC diversity in our boy Isaac the bartender and the obligatory vulnerable needy teen daughter of a single parent little Vicki Steubing and the only balding man handsomer than Billy in his prime Gavin McCloud and link watching those great programs to a terrible disease when the Love Boat was all about….

    “Dude, it’s a list of stuff that DOESN’T cause it.”


  2. Michael Grajeda

    February 4, 2015 at 5:20 am

    vaccines cause autism!!! just not in everyone.

  3. “Yes I can” (but only if Sinatra says it’s OK)

    -Spinal Tap

  4. Started looking for that great photo from 68-69 of the band in western garb, with Phil on the ground in the front with the pistol, but found this, which I assume you can do something excellent with, Mr. TotD:

  5. At least Bruno Beetlejuice paid the price.

    • That fourth one is a whole lotta Mickey. And the second one of Bobby in the tux with the pink guitar is a new one. Thanks.

      • See it’s funny, I feel like I’ve definitely seen tux’ed Bobby with the Pepto axe on here, but not the armed Jerry. But it does all have a way of rolling into one, as it were.

        • Garcia shootin’ shit is way, way back towards the beginning of all this nonsense.

          You may be right about the Bobby shot, but I think I’ve posted other photos from that night, but not that particular one.

      • The 4th one was snapped while Mickey was taking one of his famous Tantric Shits. Photo was taken 5 hours into the session. He attached sensors to his toilet (Tibetan singing toilet bowl) and used it on his last album, sychronized with the vibrations of Jupiter. (You thought I was gonna say “Uranus.”)

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