• Time and space have so far remained constant; no athlete fell asleep Monday night and woke up in 1983, and in Cleveland.
  • While the water in the diving pool two Olympic pools has turned bright green, it is still water; there has been neither phase transition nor transmutation, and we should be glad of it.
  • (Furthermore, green is not out of the question when it comes to the color of water. The ocean’s green sometimes, and so are lakes; it’s not like the pool turned yellow or black. If you were on Family Feud and they asked 100 random people “What color is water?” then green would be the number two answer. The pool thing could be worse, is what I’m saying. It didn’t turn blood-red. Green is not optimal, but blood-red is a bad look.)
  • Only some of the horses have come down a mysterious illness.
  • Everyone in Brazil has not suddenly and inexplicably gone blind, like in that Julianne Moore movie.
  • Overwhelming majority of the venues not in flames.
  • There’s been quite a bit of dull xenophobia and demonizing of the usual suspects (Russia, China), and while some may think that a bad thing, it just wouldn’t seem like the Olympics without it.
  • While there have been wild dog sightings, no children have been eaten yet. (At least no tourist children; many native children are eaten every day.)
  • NBC didn’t show this, because the media is very dishonest and unfair to me, but a giant anaconda slid into the weightlifting arena and threw up the half-digested corpse of Jon Voight.
  • So far, the shuttle buses have only come under fire from light arms.
  • Zombie invasion put down immediately.
  • The Algerian beach volleyball team was nowhere near medal contention, so it’s not a huge tragedy that they were eaten by a Sarlacc during a game.
  • Instead of pointing fingers at the boxers who may be rapists, why don’t you congratulate the boxers who haven’t been caught raping yet?
  • Absolutely no gold has been found in the Olympic Village, so George Hearst and his Pinkertons have not moved in and started fucking shit up.
  • Not one sniper so far.
  • None of the New Zealish fencing team’s epees have begun to glow, which means orcs are not near.
  • Capybaras do not carry rabies, so none of the golfers that were bitten have that to fear.
  • Food and beverage shortages have been drastically overstated: while there is no coffee, tea, wine, beer, potable water, fruit juice, energy drinks, soda, or root beer, there is still a two-day supply of Yoo-Hoo in a can. (It is warm because gangs of thieves have stolen all the freon in the city, so there is also a bit of a refrigeration shortage.)