Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things You Can Buy With $52 Million

  • Whales, and not shitty little ones like Beluga: the big fuckers. Humpbacks and shit.
  • Wales, but the sheep are not included.
  • Around 250 Ford Focuses. (Foci?)
  • Maybe three or four of the cars Phil likes.
  • A decent private island in the Caribbean.
  • Just decent, though.
  • The nicest ones are more than that.
  • Pirates should be sent to those islands on general principle.
  • Nowhere fucking near the nicest apartment in New York and now I advocate sending pirates to all islands, including Manhattan.
  • This is why I do not do research.
  • People out they damn minds.
  • Minor league baseball team, which could be easily be outfitted in repurposed gear from the Palo Alto Playmakers.
  • I can’t think of too many people you couldn’t have assassinated with that amount of money.
  • You could buy the deaths of several very powerful people.
  • Or, you could have tens of thousands of poor fuckers killed.
  • Quality vs. quantity, I guess.
  • At 17 mil a pop, you could afford 3.07 trips from Tatooine to Alderaan in the Falcon.
  • Bugatti Veyron demolition derby.
  • You could have your own roller coaster.
  • You could have your own anything, pretty much.
  • Although, and it’s a stale observation, $50 million ain’t what it used to be.
  • You can’t even buy half a warplane.
  • A real one, not the Cessna with Cousin Bucky duct taped to the fuselage, drunk and firing off his shotgun that terrorized the town every Sunday after Church.
  • Them boys Junior and his uncle Cousin Bucky? Menaces.
  • Forget about an aircraft carrier.
  • Beside the fact that the Grateful Dead should not be given an aircraft carrier.
  • It costs a billion dollars just to gas up an aircraft carrier, but you only have to do it every twenty years.
  • Quality vs. quantity, again, kinda almost.
  • Also, you could not buy a world-class hospital.
  • One that world-class people go to.
  • A world-class hotel is out of reach.
  • One for world-class guests.
  • You could feed and clothe and shelter an enormous amount of  poor fuckers, though, but that’s not funny.
  • If you were a man and had any balls, you’d Brewster’s Millions that shit, son.
  • Just pile up $52 million on your desk, snap out a hundred to do a simply gargantuan line of cocaine, and then scream “TIME ME, MOTHERFUCKER!”
  • And start hiring marching bands to follow you as you walked around the city whipping college tuition and start-up loans on people.
  • Which is blowing fools minds.
  • You are now combing the classic Brewster’s scenario with a modern, locally-souced take on the source material.
  • You invented the reboot.
  • Zoo losing money? But that shit, relocate the animals to somewhere people ain’t yapping at ’em all day, turn the land into a playground, and give that shit away.
  • They’d probably shoot you.


  1. if i had all of that money would i be able to watch the shows on directv? because right now i cannot.

  2. Is the Palo Alto Playmakers remark a reference to TheatreWorks Playmakers? Or were you just goofin’ (what with the no research and all)?

    There is a surprisingly direct link between Theatreworks and The Grateful Dead.

    • Just sounded funny.

      Enlighten us

      • If you google TheatreWorks, you will get a Palo Alto/Silicon Valley based theater company, very well respected and successful. Its founder (and still director) is a guy named Robert Kelley. Back in The Day, he ran the predecessor of TheatreWorks, a teenage theater company in Palo Alto called Youth Workhshop.

        I knew him a little bit, though my sister. I was a 15-year old dweeb, he was a cool 28 year oid. but he was always nice to me and everybody.

        Anyway, it never occurred to me to ask him, “hey, Kelley (everyone called him Kelley), were you ever the bass player in a band with Bill Kreutzmann?” Because it turned out the answer to that question was yes.

        There was a Palo Alto r&b band called The Vikings, with a black lead singer named Jay Price (who just died recently,RIP) and some white high school kids, including Kreutzmann on drums and Kelley on bass.. No one has ever asked Kelley about it for the record, to my knowledge. A 16-year old Billy–could he have been less mature?

  3. Hate to break it but you could buy more like 3,000 Ford Foci.

  4. Not bad for a week’s work. Imagine how much they would have made if they practiced the songs. hahaha

  5. 2,600,000 pizzas and my virginity for that much money.

  6. Time sheath and you could buy GD 1991. Every single show. Audience of you and whoever you want. You could probably kick Vince out for another mil and replace him with fill in the blank.

    And still have $15m.

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