Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Bruce Hornsby

  • Real name: Brucellosis Slappington Hornsby.
  • 7’8″.
  • Walks in his sleep, but not normal walking: that speed-walking nonsense from the Olympics. He puts on the outfit and the helmet with the mirrors attached, the whole thing.
  • Does Civil War recreations on weekends, pretends to be Matthew Brady’s sleazy brother Huffy, attempts to talk people into taking sexy daguerreotypes.
  • Named his two boys after famous pianists, but normal-named famous pianists. Did not saddle either child with “Professor Longhair Hornsby,” “Thelonious Hornsby,” or “Liberace Hornsby.”
  • The first and third names are goofs, but I bet Bruce brought Thelonious up to his wife. Maybe as a middle name, honey?
  • Insists on rocking the old-school short shorts for the YMCA basketball league. Also, for when he used to get dragged along to parent/teacher conferences.
  • Protects his hands by, instead of offering his right hand for a handshake, extends a finger (not that one) from his left hand and kind of waggles it at you.
  • This, Bruce says, is to protect his hands.
  • So what would be funny is if someone took the proffered digit and snapped it like a dry chicken bone at the medial metacarpal.
  • And, he’d be all “WHAT THE FUCK?”
  • So, you’d be like, “Your precautions and risk-management amuse the Abandoned Gods and summon their ire, Bruce.”
  • And then you’d turn back into your true form, a sentient AAA map with agoraphobia. (Humans are not capable of understanding your true form.)
  • Also, doing that to Bruce Hornsby’s finger isn’t “funny” so much as “psychopathic.”
  • Do not break Bruce Hornsby.


  1. Play that dead band’s song.

    For the record, Bruce strikes me as a guy who’d ask permission before taking a Vernor’s from the fridge.

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