Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things You Could Kill With Billy’s Book

  • Insects, all.
  • Arachnids, most. Anything from tarantula up is gonna be able to survive having Billy’s book dropped on it.
  • Anole lizards.
  • Geckos.
  • Smaller snakes.
  • Smurfs, except Brawny.
  • Human baby? Like, two weeks out?
  • I’m throwing this question out to you, Enthusiasts: could Billy’s book, if dropped from a reasonable height, kill a human baby?
  • Complete honesty – I have been dropping Billy’s book onto my floor from a reasonable height for ten minutes now.
  • My position is this: no. No, dropping Billy’s book from a reasonable height onto a human baby would not kill it.
  • That would fuck a baby up, though.
  • Very, very few dogs.
  • Very few cats.
  • Few mice.
  • No rats. You can’t kill a rat with anything less than the collected Proust or the O.E.D.
  • Rats only respond to disproportional warfare.
  • Sea monkeys.
  • If we’re dropping the book on dry land, then it could kill anything up to and including a blue whale.
  • Any amphibian in its watery phase, most in their drier bodies.
  • The majority of birds. Even big ones: they’re not all that sturdy and have never developed an evolutionary defense against having memoirs dropped on them from a reasonable height.
  • A certain, and probably nameable, set of animals is completely immune to Billy’s book from birth to death.
  • Even a newborn elephant cannot be injured by this book, even if you abandoned “dropping from a reasonable height” in favor of “beating the animal viciously with a hardcover rock tell-all.”
  • Baby elephants are around 200 pounds.
  • You’d probably end up getting your ass kicked, at the very least.
  • Ditto for rhinos and hippos.
  • Cows are the size of dog-sized dogs when they’re born, so cows are out, too.
  • (A dog-sized dog is anywhere from 20 to 80 pounds. Anything smaller is a rat; larger, a horse.)
  • Let’s just group the whole cow family in the “impervious to Billy’s book and its violent ways” category: yak, wildebeest, musk ox, bison, buffalo, gnu.
  • Bears, giraffes, wolverines, Wolverine.
  • Also easy to kill with Billy’s book: friendships.


  1. Any chance of transcendent music happening at the 50th shows.

  2. I bought and read the eBook today. Favorite: Billy addresses the Matt Kelly thing by telling everyone about Matt Kelly fucking a stripper.

  3. You, sir , are unaware of the resilience of the human infant. Baby survives, easily!

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