Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things You Didn’t Know About The Phishes

Psst.

Hey. Over here.

All the Phish Persons care about this weekend is Dick’s, so let’s make fun of ’em. Here’s some stuff you didn’t know about Phish:

  • It’s pronounced “fish”.
  • In 1998 alone, the band’s tour bus hit six separate homeless people; never even slowed down.
  • Can no longer go to aquariums on their days off because of what Mike did to that manta ray. (Fucked, ate.)
  • Phish was actually put together by legendary music-biz dude Lou Adler and many of their early hits were written by Neil Diamond.
  • Page still sleeps with the light on.
  • Mike Gordon’s entire torso is covered with pictures of other famous people with two first names, such as Dick Clark, David Keith, and Keith David.
  • Half of the band is illiterate; the other two are able to read, but think that books “are for fruits.”
  • The entire band and crew has Estonian stamps in their passports, but no one can remember going there.
  • You thought the Dead were an American phenomenon?
  • Outside the States, the Phishes wouldn’t even recognize one another.
  • Mike is fluent in French and German; he argues with himself in the languages before masturbating, which he calls “invading Paris.”
  • Fishman’s generally not the introspective type, but once or twice each tour, he’ll sit in his hotel room and he and the dress will silently stare at one another for an hour or so.
  • No music, TV, nothing.
  • Fishman sits with his choices, he sits with the dress.
  • The first hiatus was not their choice: Trey had been secretly suspended by the Commissioner for betting on jams.
  • Everyone makes fun of Mike’s Instagram account behind his back and also to his face.
  • Sometimes, no one feels like jamming endlessly.
  • They still do.
  • But, you know: whatevs.
  • The next time any Grateful Deads come sniffing around looking for new members, Page is going to cut a bitch.
  • Page knows that Page Side is Rage Side; Page knows that when he goes to a restaurant, he says “chicken fingers” to the pretty lady; and he knows that Phish is Phish.
  • As a keyboard player, Page is instinctively wary of the Dead.
  • For twenty years now, Trey has collected money for lottery tickets every week; he’s never bought a single ticket, just pocketed the cash and told everyone they lost.
  • The deception gives him a boner.
  • When Mike decided to do his high-fashion makeover a few years ago, he went all in and you do not want to know what is going on with his pubic hair.
  • In addition the clothes and the haircut and the social media, Mike has also been using teen slang a lot lately, and the next time he calls anyone “fam,” Fishman’s going to stab him.
  • If you include the lead-up to Santa Clara, Trey has pretty much been soloing for ten weeks straight.
  • The amount of joy that Page gets out of revolving doors is off-putting from a grown man.

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