Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

This Year’s Model

john mayer douche clothesWhy are you wearing all of your clothes at once?

“I’m a cowboy.”

No, you can’t think you’re a cowboy. Bobby thinks he’s a cowboy. That’s his thing.

“Wow, man: what a hater you are. Not even gonna congratulate me?”

Did you buy a new watch?

“On the gig.”

Good for you. You practicing?

“Oh, yeah. Nothing but. Listening to shows and playing guitar and reading Hitler’s speeches.”

Sure. What?

“It is worth learning German. Lot of nuance in his arguments that just get boiled down to “the Jews did it.'”

This is weird stuff coming from you, John Mayer.

“It is weird that in this actual interview you’re doing with me, rock and comedy’s John Mayer, I’m expressing these kind of fringe and offensive opnions, but: there you go. Also: Team Cosby.”

This is so strange, you must admit.

“I also must admit to drifting from town to town in the suburban summer nights, hopping fences and shitting in pools.”

You monster! Poor children need public pools!

“I need to do it! For my boners!”

Wait. You mean–

“Yes: John Mayer can only achieve an erection by taking a dump in someone else’s pool. Preferably off the diving board, but I’m not picky.”

Does Katy know about this?

“Oh, yeah. She’s into pool-play now.”


“She hates that Taylor Swift, y’know.”

I heard.

“I banged that Taylor Swift, y’know.”


“Fucked her so hard a song popped out.”


“You wanna see my Confederate Flag tattoo? The stars are swastikas.”

OKAY. That’s enough.



  1. For the record: I am disappointed in all of you right now. No “John Mayer is Bobby’s Benji” jokes. No “Bobby needed a twin/2.0 version” jokes. No “John Mayer is the Bobbyganger” jokes. Which, BTW, is not what you think at first it’s actually a combination of Bobby and doppelgänger. Fuck, I bet there are pictures of John Mayer in tight denim shorts somewhere out there right now.

    You know what I want? I want to see John Mayer forget the lyrics to Truckin’. Because some people just want to see the world burn.

  2. THIS is why I’m not okay with this at all. He’s an asshole who douche-bagged his way to the top.

    Bobby Weir once said,
    “Bicycles are almost as good as guitars for meeting girls.”

    John Mayer once said,
    “I masturbate a lot and feel the need to tell everyone about it because, oh, tee-hee! I can’t help myself, what can I say?”

  3. Hold the fuck up, now: this is more than a one-time thing? Dead & Company will be touring?

  4. And he will be playing Wolf behind his head like Eddie Van Wailen

  5. I like it better when you make fun of people we like. Making fun of people we might not like yet, seems out of place.

    I will however continue to read your blog, obsessively.

    • Tor, that is how I should have responded. Instead, I responded like the tired, fed-up fangirl version of myself and kicked and screamed. Take my like. BUT FIRST READ THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART

      • I hear you Maggie, I was totally pissed off at the rumors back in the spring.

        I am 50 plus years old and more or less did not know John Mayer from any other pop star.

        I was not convinced otherwise till I saw the vids of Mayer playing at Phil’s place. That douchebag can play guitar. In the bar show he also expressed some humility.

        So I started reading stuff about him, sure he has said some wacky things and suffers from too much hollywood.

        But then again.. what would happen to any attractive talented musician placed in the spotlight in these times ? Most folks seem to f*ck things up in that situation.

        I started to feel some compassion for that douchebag, even TOTD said some warm things about him after the Chicago shows. I know TOTD has to be funny and that is why I come here. So no complaints only praise.

        If anyone needs to learn how to be a musician from the folks who come closest to getting it right, it is John Mayer. Not in terms of how to play, but how to act, how to deal with the spotlight without becoming an ass.

        Just show up, be who you are and play music that means something to people who are actually listening and not taking selfies. John needs to learn how to do that, because that boy can play.

        I think the marriage will have just the right mix of tension to make things interesting.

        However if a bunch of coked up frat boys show up taking selfies, and being selfish, then I will have flashbacks of 1989 and walk away for the second time. I think I will like the band, I am hoping that I will like the fans.

      • Very, very well said. He’s got potential for sure, and I have no doubt that he’s talented.

        But if there’s anyone who should be carrying on the Dead’s legacy, it shouldn’t be him, because with that legacy is not only the music, but also the cultural ties to it. He just doesn’t seem like the guy for that.

        But I’ll give him a chance. A small one. I’m sure I’ll end up eating my words.

      • Listening to Steve Kimock, and eating my words right now..

        Wish it was Steve at these shows..

        Steve could probably use the paycheck way more than Mayer.

    • YES. JOHN MAYER DOESNT NEED IT. There are a million more candidates who could perform the job. I don’t think bringing in John Mayer would make a big difference. See how many people went to Fare Thee Well?


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