Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thought On Homosexuality

Lesbians are the only straight people; I shall prove my point.

Straight women may claim to be straight, but by definition straight women enjoy having sex with men, which is incredibly gay. Straight women give beejers: also gay. Another way we can tell that straight women are gay is that they want to get married to men. That is flat-out homosexual nonsense.

Gay men are gay; we will take their words for it

Straight men are, though, also gay as fuck. And not the ones who are secretly gay, or gay after their fourth drink, or just gay in blue states: I speak of all straight men. Straight men play with dick all day, which is some queer shit right there. That the dicks in question are their own makes little difference. As Gertrude Stein once wrote, “A dick is a dick is a dick.”

(It should be noted that while straight men play only with their personal penises, gay guys have a more inclusive attitude when it comes to playing with wangs. This does, by any metric, make gay guys more gay than straight guys, but straight guys are pretty gay.)

Lesbians, on the other hand, are like the couple from the nursery rhyme, Jack Spratt and his wife: Jack could eat no fat; his wide could eat no lean. Now, instead of “fat” and “lean,” substitute “dongs.”

Lesbians are straight, since they do no gay stuff.

Quod erat demonstrandum.


  1. Time for bed, ace.


  2. A gerundive???? Srsly brah!!??

  3. So tired of all these sexual orientations based on physical attraction. Sapiosexuals are coming and We Shall Rule The World.

    • Guys get 347% hotter when they use and admire proper grammar. I’ve had few encounters with boys who desire my attention, but each time, the boy had awful grammar and knew little about the subjects I enjoy discussing. Therefore they were very unattractive.

      • Try meeting boys at the next science fair or book club at your skool. And please don’t use the language you use on this blog. Hahaha.

      • I used to go to Mormon stake dances with my Mormon friends and I thought the boys were all so adorable albeit my friends disliked them. Even though they were probably all mega religious, I remember standing next to this one boy during a slow song and I was expecting him to ask me to dance, and he DID and it was the nicest 3 minutes of my life. He was so polite and mature (I thought he was 18, but he was my age!) and we had an amazing connection.

        Never saw him again though and I don’t care. I prefer food and the Internet over boys any day.

      • If you are gonna go the religious route, I hear Scientology is looking for female cult members. 😉 Bonus: There are Dead connections to Scientology, although they all wised up and eventually got the hell out of there.

        • HAHAHAHAAH oh my god I’d rather live in Florida than do that

          I watched the HBO documentary on Scientology and was surprised to hear about its connections with the Dead!

  4. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 21, 2015 at 11:40 am

    hobosexual….can a beans, tabacky, maybe a bolt a calico, and a freight train leavin’ town

  5. Nice post Baconson, I love how that old lady keeps smiling through the window as he sings about shootin Thelma and her rounder, then basically says, “bitch where’s my coffee.”

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