Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thought On Homosexuality

Lesbians are the only straight people; I shall prove my point.

Straight women may claim to be straight, but by definition straight women enjoy having sex with men, which is incredibly gay. Straight women give beejers: also gay. Another way we can tell that straight women are gay is that they want to get married to men. That is flat-out homosexual nonsense.

Gay men are gay; we will take their words for it

Straight men are, though, also gay as fuck. And not the ones who are secretly gay, or gay after their fourth drink, or just gay in blue states: I speak of all straight men. Straight men play with dick all day, which is some queer shit right there. That the dicks in question are their own makes little difference. As Gertrude Stein once wrote, “A dick is a dick is a dick.”

(It should be noted that while straight men play only with their personal penises, gay guys have a more inclusive attitude when it comes to playing with wangs. This does, by any metric, make gay guys more gay than straight guys, but straight guys are pretty gay.)

Lesbians, on the other hand, are like the couple from the nursery rhyme, Jack Spratt and his wife: Jack could eat no fat; his wide could eat no lean. Now, instead of “fat” and “lean,” substitute “dongs.”

Lesbians are straight, since they do no gay stuff.

Quod erat demonstrandum.

28 Comments

  1. Ted Mattes

    Time for bed, ace.

    >

  2. maggiemay

    A gerundive???? Srsly brah!!??

    • maggiemay

      My brain’s dead weight

      • maggiemay

        (I’m trying to get my head straight, but I can’t figure out which Spice Girl I wanna impregnate!)

        • thoughtsonthedead

          GINGER I USED 2 C HER IN LA AND SHE IS TINY AND HOT

      • maggiemay

        My Name Is by Eminem ; )

        Also

        “””””””Ginger”””””” spice

        And LA?? Wtf??

        • thoughtsonthedead

          again, this is something i’ve talked about many times.

          U DONT ACTUALLY READ THIS BLOG

      • maggiemay

        I have no recollection of you living in LA. LA is awful btw

      • maggiemay

        I read your blog now but in the past I would read like only a third of your posts because I would just be skimming ####no offense

        ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • thoughtsonthedead

      Gerundive?

      • maggiemay

        demonstrandum?

        Maybe not. Upon second look it’s not a gerundive. What’s the translation of this? (It’s been a while, man.)

    • August West

      Artis-Anal Toast? Spenser your fixations are getting the better of you.

    • maggiemay

      ????????? Fuck this, man. Toast is toast, get a life.

  3. August West

    So tired of all these sexual orientations based on physical attraction. Sapiosexuals are coming and We Shall Rule The World.
    https://chattyminddotcom1.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/43c170d0f3bf4ad234d616bdb3b4300c.jpg

    • maggiemay

      Guys get 347% hotter when they use and admire proper grammar. I’ve had few encounters with boys who desire my attention, but each time, the boy had awful grammar and knew little about the subjects I enjoy discussing. Therefore they were very unattractive.

      • August West

        Try meeting boys at the next science fair or book club at your skool. And please don’t use the language you use on this blog. Hahaha.
        http://fatosnoticiasonline.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/artworks-000035075782-o85xs2-crop.jpg

      • maggiemay

        I used to go to Mormon stake dances with my Mormon friends and I thought the boys were all so adorable albeit my friends disliked them. Even though they were probably all mega religious, I remember standing next to this one boy during a slow song and I was expecting him to ask me to dance, and he DID and it was the nicest 3 minutes of my life. He was so polite and mature (I thought he was 18, but he was my age!) and we had an amazing connection.

        Never saw him again though and I don’t care. I prefer food and the Internet over boys any day.

        • thoughtsonthedead

          You would make such a lovely second or third child bride. I hope your sister wives are nice to you.

          • maggiemay

            ohNHMH GOD WHAGHNLJF

      • August West

        If you are gonna go the religious route, I hear Scientology is looking for female cult members. 😉 Bonus: There are Dead connections to Scientology, although they all wised up and eventually got the hell out of there.

        • maggiemay

          HAHAHAHAAH oh my god I’d rather live in Florida than do that

          I watched the HBO documentary on Scientology and was surprised to hear about its connections with the Dead!

  4. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    hobosexual….can a beans, tabacky, maybe a bolt a calico, and a freight train leavin’ town
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEIBmGZxAhg

  5. Snowmans

    Nice post Baconson, I love how that old lady keeps smiling through the window as he sings about shootin Thelma and her rounder, then basically says, “bitch where’s my coffee.”

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