Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On A Epithet

I’ve never understood the meaning behind “cocksucker.” As an epithet, not as a hobby. I understand the act: I used to live in Los Angeles.

It’s the word’s use as an epithet that confuses me, and always has. I speak not of the word’s primal sound, divorced from meaning and stripped to a pile of Germanic “K” sounds and surly, clipped vowels; the word punches your teeth and pisses on your tongue as it exits your mouth. It is an eminently wonderful word to yell at things and people who have displeased you.

I’m talking about the meaning. “Motherfucker” is also a beautiful conglomeration of phonemes, but it also means something terrible: no one should be fucking anyone’s mothers, especially not their own.

(An aside: as with so much in America, there is even within ten-letter-words a divide. Black people say motherfucker much better than whites do, but the white folks have the cocksucker game locked down. TotD declares a racial tie! Good job, everyone.)

So: motherfucking is a bad thing, of course, but cocksucking is objectively a great thing. Accusing someone of being a cocksucker is akin to accusing them of donating to charity or recycling. Think of the lovely evenings capped off with cocksucking, or the productive days started with it.

Cocksucking is also useful. You can use it show someone you like him, or to earn money, or to win contests, or if someone chokes in front of you and the Heimlich doesn’t work. In many ways, the skill of cocksucking is like having a Swiss Army Knife for life’s troubles. In fact, if you get good enough at it, you will not need the corkscrew on the knife because you can just shlorp that cork right out of the bottle.

So, Enthusiasts, I implore you: next time you call someone a cocksucker, do it out of love.

Where the fuck did this come from?

No idea.

Is this even about the Dead anymore?

Sporadically.

I can’t believe Hollywood hasn’t called you.

It is weird, isn’t it?

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