Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On A Penultimate Sunday

  • Tom Brady is having a very nice life this time around.
  • If you didn’t laugh every single time that Ha Ha Clinton-Dix’s name was called, then we can’t be friends. The only name even close to his in this year’s playoff picture was Arizona’s Frostee Rucker, who is clearly a character who escaped from an Elmore Leonard novel into the NFL.
  • Richard Sherman played the last quarter of that game nearly dead.
  • Field goal kickers all look like youth pastors who have been asked to leave the church under mysterious circumstances.
  • I would like to see Wendy’s Girl and AT&T Girl kiss each other.
  • The Seahawks’ colors are awful. Especially that neon green: it looks like the shade a 14-year-old who likes to burn things would paint swastikas on his step-dad’s car with.
  • The guy from Train? Why the guy from Train? I understand McPhee: she’s got a show on the network. Train is terrible: they have clever lyrics. Like the Bare-Naked Ladies. Make of that what you will.
  • The hair on top of Russell Wilson’s head or the hair on the bottom of Andrew Luck’s face: which is more indicative that God has abandoned us?
  • Bradley Cooper is good, because he kills a lot of people. The people he kills are bad, because they kill a lot of people.
  • Why don’t they just make a Ford F-150 with an entertainment/navigation center controlled by a Surface Pro 3 and be done with it?
  • Regarding the Surface Pro 3: did anyone else catch the disclaimer on the commercial where Russell Wilson (who genuinely seems awful) can only win the game through the power of tablet computing? So they race him the Surface Pro 3 from the glowing Ark of the Covenant full of these things that apparently is a fixture at football games now, like the Gatorade or the Get Back Coach.*
  • And of course, it is not just raining during the commercial for the Surface Pro 3: the game being played is taking place during Hurricane Katrina. Sheets and cascades of water are spraying every which way and everything’s soaked, but the Surface Pro 3 has a cool waterproof case and hand-hold thing, so Russell Wilson can still save the day.
  • But then the small print tells you that the “NFL waterproof case is not available.”
  • Fuck off, Surface Pro 3.
  • As a life-long Giant fan, I can inform you with 100% accuracy: Phil Simms has not always sounded like this.
  • Why was Erin Andrews cosplaying as Carmen Sandiego?
  • Also–and I’m just gonna say it–the other sideline reporter? She needs to have that thing removed. On two separate Sundays this season alone, players have thought her giant mole was a loose ball and jumped on her face.
  • Every shot of the owner’s boxes brings us that much closer to the Revolution.
  • From the post-game interview: “Gronk happy. Pretty Man throw to Gronk, Gronk catch, Gronk run, Gronk make touchdown. Hoodie Man not yell at Gronk. Now Gronk tired. Gronk sleep.”

* Every football team (at every level, from Pop Warner all the way up) has a Get Back Coach. This is not all the man does, but it is his main game-day job. The sidelines of a football game are the single worst place to see a football game from, so when something happens, the whole team lurches forward, onto the field, to see.

The Get Back Coach then yells “Get back!” at the team; he will also stand in front of them flapping his arms like a giant bird towards them, perhaps to blow them back with th breeze created by the clipboard he is inevitably holding.

All football teams can do impressions of their Get Back Coach.


  1. “I would like to see Wendy’s Girl and AT&T Girl kiss each other.” — Could you put this into tweet form so that I can Favorite it?

  2. I had to check Wikipedia to see where Train was from. If they were local-ish, that would’ve at least been an explanation. That Drops of Jupiter song makes me wanna strangle somebody when it comes on the fake radio station at Shop n Shop. It’s only the tiniest bit better than the song and self-fulfilling prophecy I only know as “You had a bad day.”

    Re: RW, when I am benevolent dictator, any man who does that teary post-game religious submission thing spends a night in the box. Never mind that I suspect it’s a little phony, it’s fucking uncomfortable to watch. Man up; YOU did that shit.

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