Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On A Trailer

  • I thought it was a joke the first time I saw it.
  • Like one of those fan-made things people cobble together from other movies and video games and whatever.
  • The film’s release is six months away and there is time to polish special effects, but right now the action scenes look like an ad for one of those stupid freemium games for your phone that play during NFL games.
  • Within ten seconds, a discerning viewer can tell that the situation has gotten completely out of hand.
  • Bruce Wayne pulls up to some sort of shindig in a vintage Aston-Martin DB 2, which is already wrong: he would have pulled up in the passenger seat of a flatbed truck with a vintage Aston-Martin DB 2 on it.
  • And Clark Kent, who is played by a wax-covered bicep, asks who it is and when the answer comes back, there is a musical cue that is somehow less subtle than the old record-scratch bit.
  • It is literally the chord they used to play as the mustache-twirler tied the woman to the tracks.
  • Plus the question makes no fucking sense: Bruce Wayne is a very famous person.
  • There are buildings named after him, at least one of which Superman knocked over during his slapfight with General Nod. (I call the new one Nod because it’s short for “Not Zod.” All that guy did was yell and not make people kneel before him. All the special effects in the world can’t match a classically-trained British guy hamming it up.)
  • And even if he weren’t really famous, a reporter from a major metropolitan newspaper would know who he was.
  • He hasn’t–in this universe–just gotten back from his travels and became Batman because Ben Affleck is in his forties and that’s too late to start Batmanning.
  • Plus, he has been at it long enough to have killed at least one Robin.
  • The trailer hints that the Joker did the actual murdering, but the blame lies on Bruce Wayne’s becaped shoulders.
  • “I should bring a teenager to fight the Insane Clown Person.”
  • Good plan, dickhead.
  • Batman has killed so many Robins that you could easily retell the stories with Batman as the serial killer and not have to change the facts.
  • Anyway, then Superman and Batman start having a good, old-fashioned Butt-chin Showdown.
  • Both of these men have deeply clefted chins and they waggle them at each other and then Superman is all, “So what do you think of Batman?”
  • And Ben Affleck makes a face that can only be interpreted as “Oh, Batman? That’s me.”
  • Go back and look again.
  • Wait, you don’t have to.
  • This face:
  • [PDF] Batman v Superman Trailer-
  • How else can that expression be read?
  • Superman may be an alien, but he was raised by humans and therefore has seen a human face before.
  • Batman might as well have his cape sticking out the back out his suit jacket, this is so obvious.
  • And then Jesse Eisenberg shows up and makes terrible acting choices at both of the handsome men.
  • After that, we are shown the rest of the movie.
  • Remember the bit in Three Amigos?
  • “You meet Cochise, you think he’s a bad guy. You fight. But then you grow to respect him. By the end of the film, you’re friends. We fly you down to Baja and shoot it in eight days!”
  • That is the precise plot to this film.
  • Batman is so mad at Superman for destroying a city that he picks a fight with him in a different city.
  • Which also gets destroyed.
  • DC stands for Destroyed City.
  • Say what you will about the last Avengers movie, but at least they tried save some civilians.
  • Membership in the Justice League seems to require knocking down an office tower or two full of innocent people.
  • Leisure-Suit Larry hooks the corpse of General Space up to a Frankenstein machine and makes a monster called Dimsdale to attack SuperDuperMan and Batface, but White Beyoncé shows up and does Blue Steel at the monster.
  • God, this shit’s dumb.

15 Comments

  1. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    December 3, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    you said it!

  2. Ok, I literally know nothing about comics and the like, and all this superhero stuff, but what the fuck did I just watch??????????? That looked like a trailer for a parody or something. It looks terrible. Poor Ben Aflack

  3. Bonnie Lass of Fenario

    December 3, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    “EXTRAORDINARY!”
    -tor_haxon, NYT

    “PREORDER 10 TICKETS NOW!”
    -spencer, LAT

    “3 MINUTES OF MY LIFE!”
    -swaggie, USA TODAY

    “WALL 2016!”
    -totd, Palatka Daily News

    “IT HAS AT LEAST 3 HEROES! JUST FOR ONE DAY!”
    -bonnie, Plain Dealer

  4. The only suitable explanation is this is a funny or die spoof that hasn’t revealed itself yet. Or it’s the video version of an onion article.

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