Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On Alaska Without Research

  • We’re not going to discuss her.
  • You can talk about Jersey without mentioning Springsteen, so you can talk about Alaska without her getting involved.
  • As children, we were taught that Alaska is very cold, and yet all the maps we were shown as children placed Alaska in the South Pacific next to Hawaii.
  • Turns out maps are the tools of our imperialist masters, and lie regularly and intentionally.
  • Alaska is way up north.
  • Part of it lies within the Arctic Circle, probably.
  • If we’re completely honest, it should be Canada.
  • Alaska’s just the left part of Canada.
  • But it’s a state, technically, ever since a Secretary of State named Seward bought it from Russia.
  • I do not know how Russia owned Alaska; perhaps they were claiming the Siberian land bridge as an easement.
  • People mocked Seward for the purchase and hounded him out of his office.
  • He became a theatrical producer and put on a show called “Seward’s Follies.”
  • I think.
  • The whole of Alaska was unexplored wilderness back then, as opposed to the most of Alaska that’s unexplored wilderness now; Seward got a good deal, depending on how you look at it.
  • Alaska produces a lot of stuff.
  • On the other hand, everything it produces is terrible: gold, and oil, and Jewel.
  • So, Alaska gets itself bought and then sometime later becomes a state.
  • You can fill in the dates if you’d like.
  • I would guess that Alaska became a territory right after they found gold, and a state right after they had amassed enough gold to buy their way into Congress.
  • That’s how it happened in Deadwood, and I’m assuming Alaska was no different.
  • Wait: I forgot about the native population.
  • Funny how that happens.
  • The Inuit (and other tribes I cannot name, so let’s just call them all Inuit) had been there a while, doing the whole natural-living thing.
  • Which, if we’re honest, sounds awful.
  • You know my proclivities, Enthusiasts: all so-called “primitive” forms of society utterly repulse me, as I have been made soft by luxury.
  • I don’t want to live in a yurt, or a treehouse, or a hogan, or a wigwam; none of these have wifi.
  • Living in harmony with nature sounds shitty.
  • But living in harmony with nature in Alaska sounds shittiest.
  • The Inuit made knives from the bones of seals and walrus; they lit their lamps with whale oil; they made doodies in holes in the snow.
  • It sounds like a nightmare.
  • Are you trying to prove something, Inuits?
  • Just start walking south.
  • Or take some of those impressive kayaks I had to learn about nineteen times in grade school.
  • Put the beach on your left and start paddling.
  • You could be in San Diego in a few months.
  • But you did not do this, Inuits: you looked around, became snowblind, was eaten several times by several bears, and said, “This is the place.”
  • You’re kinda losing my sympathy here, Inuits.
  • Inuits used to be called Eskimos and were, if I recall, well-represented in racist imagery of all kinds.
  • The Eskimo in his parka would often be found right next to the Indian in his warpaint.
  • Occasionally, he would have a penguin friend, even though there are no penguins in Alaska.
  • Which is weird, because every other animal that can survive the winter lives in Alaska by the billion.
  • There are all sorts of bears, and moose, and foxes, and mountain lions, and ‘squatch.
  • The ‘squatch up there turn white in the winter for camouflage.
  • Most of the interior of Alaska is uninhabited and unexplored and nature just does whatever she wants.
  • People live near the coast in Nome, Juno, and Anchorage.
  • There is also a town called Wasilla, and we all know why we know this information, and let’s move on.
  • Nome has a bit of poetry to its name, but I assure you: these are horrible places full of sin and meth and screamed arguments.
  • And they’re expensive as hell: orange juice is ten bucks a carton.
  • Because you’re not supposed to have orange juice at that latitude.
  • Or wood.
  • Everything has to be shipped up, but wages are high, so I guess it works out.
  • Not only is there no income tax, every Alaskan citizen gets a yearly check from the state.
  • They literally have to pay people to live there.
  • Partly because of the polar bears.
  • In Alaska, you leave things unlocked–cars, houses–because someone might need to run inside due to polar bear attack.
  • Some people would choose an alternative form of protection–not living where there are polar bears–but not Alaskans.
  • You’re being a hypocrite, you’ll say: TotD, you can’t be more than a couple hundred yards from a gator right now.
  • Stop interrupting the Without Research bit, I’d say; also, comparing alligators to polar bears is more than slightly silly.
  • Alligators do not creep into town and then sprint at speeds approaching 40 mph towards people.
  • Alligators enjoy lakes and rivers; they do not crash through the doors of hunting lodges and eat everyone inside in a death orgy of ursine fury.
  • Sure, if you go swimming with one, it will attempt to eat you, but that’s just because alligators are dumb and classify the world into two categories: Things That Do Not Exist, and Food.
  • Gator wasn’t trying to be a dick.
  • Polar bears, on the other hand, will choose humans over other food sources.
  • Every year, hundreds or dozens or several or Earl from two blocks over gets eaten by polar bears.
  • (I am not confident in giving exact numbers, but I will state with certainty that–at the very least–one person in Alaska was eaten by a polar bear, and that guy’s name was Earl. Earl had been drinking.)
  • Perhaps you think, “Oh, that rapscallion TotD, always making with the haha,” go look up polar bears and towns and bullshit like that.
  • THE MONSTERS WANDER THROUGH TOWN EATING CHILDREN.
  • No other animal enjoys eating us so much, except tigers.
  • Even other bears don’t pull polar bear bullshit.
  • Remember Grizzly Man?
  • The documentary about the guy who lived in Alaska with the grizzlies?
  • Yes, the bears ate him, but it took years of him deserving it.
  • He would try to pet the damn things.
  • After a while, the bears had to eat him or they would have lost their street cred.
  • But it was just business.
  • Polar bears, on the other hand, relish the shrieks of fear as they chase you through a playground.
  • Y’know what?
  • Climate change is killing the polar bears?
  • Good.
  • Once the polar bears are rampaging through town gobbling down children and pets, it’s time to burn the village in order to save it.
  • Many famous people have come from Alaska, but I can only think of two and I already mentioned Jewel and we’re not mentioning the other one, so I guess we’re done here.
  • When Netflix gets Northern Exposure, you will not hear from me for a while.
  • Now we’re done.
  • I will probably not watch the Paul Provenza episodes.
  • Paul Provenza was to Northern Exposure what Vince was to the Dead.
  • Now we’re done.

14 Comments

  1. Whoops, tried that without research as requested, and actually gnome is one of those creepy little things you put in your garden. My bad. Footnote- the best Alaska the Last Frontier was when Jane was all excited about her new rifle and Eiven spent about 12 hrs teaching her gun safety crap and other pointers. On the first shot she got “scoped” and left crying with one of the nastiest shiners of a black eye I ever saw.

  2. what da hell were u doin up at 3 am young man

  3. Instead of “street cred, ” wouldn’t grizzly bears have “wood cred” and polar bears have “snow cred” ?

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