Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On All The Stupid Trailers At Once, Twice

  • I heard Will Smith’s Girls of the World Ain’t Nothin’ But Trouble on the 90’s station today, and Will Smith absolutely stole his entire flow from Slick Rick.
  • He is one of the people I have had quite enough of that appear in this film, along with Jared Leto and Jai Courtney.
  • Jai Courtney plays an Australian, with magical boomerangs.
  • The Japanese lady plays a magical samurai with a magical sword.
  • Ugh.
  • Everything about this: ugh.
  • Peak Superhero.
  • “These are the most dangerous people in the world and we don’t know what to do with them.”
  • SHOOT THEM IN THEIR HEADS.
  • If I ran the government agency tasked with dealing with superheros, the standing order would be to execute them on sight.
  • Sure, there are a few like Superman or the Hulk for whom a bullet to the temple would not end the conversation, but the guy who shoots fire from his hands can totally be killed with a gun.
  • “What should we do with this alligator-man?”
  • Shoot him, and if that doesn’t work, go get a bigger gun and shoot him again.
  • “What about the stone-cold fox in hot pants with a bat?”
  • Take away her bat and put her in jail: she is literally just a crazy, hot, crazy-hot woman with a bat.
  • “Are you sure we shouldn’t inject nano-bombs into their spinal cords and then team them up on a do-or-die mission against their wills?”
  • Get out of my office.
  • What the fuck is a Joel Kinnaman, and why should I care?
  • There is a character named Slipknot (not Slipknot!) that has magical ropes and he is played by Adam Beach, who was on Law & Order: SVU for a season or two, and he is a slow-talker; I would actively berate the television screen during his lines.
  • Margot Robbie continues to be preternaturally good at being looked at.
  • All the dudes in the movie are wearing tactical jumpsuits and trenchcoats and bandoliers and pouches and armored vests, whereas Margot Robbie is wearing–as I mentioned–hot pants.

Odds I See This In The Theater I hate everything about this movie so much that I refuse to even give it odds.

  • Wonder Woman has one enormous credit to its name in my book, and that is that Zack Snyder had less to do with it than the other two DC films, and David Goyer had nothing at all to do with it.
  • And while TotD is against purchasing tickets as a strategic act, I am tempted to support all female-lead superhero movies in hopes of getting a She-Hulk movie one day.
  • This is Wonder Woman’s origin story: Chris Pine, who is not Chris Evans in every way, washes up on the shore of a magical island named Themiscyra; only ladies live there.
  • Feel free to make your own sexist joke here.
  • And Wonder Woman is all, “You’re a man!”
  • And Chris Pratt is like, “How do you know?”
  • And Wonder Woman goes, “Because I looked in your pants, Calvin.”
  • And Chris Christofferson goes, “Why did you call me Calvin?”
  • And Wonder Woman goes, “It was written on your underwear.”
  • And so on.
  • Wonder Woman: Israeli ingenue neatly named Gal Gadot.
  • Ridiculous homunculi on the innertubes have complained that the actress does not possess the requisite brawn to portray the heroine, as if Wonder Woman’s strength came from her muscles or something.
  • None of these whiners have mentioned the fact that Wonder Woman was made out of clay and magic is also unrealistic.
  • And then Wonder Woman beats many men up while they shoot at her, and she dances with Chris Cringle while looking glamorous, and for some reason trench warfare gets involved, and then Wonder Woman dons her magical catcher’s leg protectors and wins World War I for Greece, I suppose.
  • The leg protectors are called greaves, and that is a delightful word.
  • The part that goes over your shoulder is called the pauldron.
  • Your forearm is protected by a vambrace.
  • Words are the best.
  • Wonder Woman doesn’t have any of that shit, though: just the shin-guards and a little round shield.
  • (The shield is called an aspis.)
  • And they’ll probably throw some sort of bullshit line about how the greaves extend a magical invulnerability to the wearer and blah blah blah: it’s just there to look bitchin’.
  • Wonder Woman looks totally bitchin’.
  • And this one ends with a joke, but one that fell flat.
  • Chris Handsome and Wonder Woman are standing there with his secretary, and he introduces her, and WW asks the secretary what she does, and the scretary goes, “Whatever Chris Whiteman says,” and Wonder Woman says, “Sounds like a slave to me.”
  • And it’s supposed to be Wonder Woman’s Strong Independent Woman line, but it just makes everyone involved seem like twits.
  • Chris should have responded, “Yeah, except I pay her, and she’s free to go at any time. So, you know: entirely unlike slavery.”
  • To which Wonder Woman would have responded, “I did not go to high school, as I grew up on a legendary lady-island, and am made from clay and magic.”
  • And then secretary might have said, “This is a little on me, guys. Silly way to answer that question. Should’ve said, ‘Performed the tasks required of me by the employer who provides me fair recompense for my services.’ Now, if you want to have a little chat about the systemic patriarchal bullshit laced into the culture of 1917 that dictates that this pretty dumwit be the boss and I, a Vassar-educated woman who speaks three languages, be his secretary? I would LOVE to have that discussion, Wonder Woman. But in all honesty: ix-nay on the ave-slay.”

Odds I See This In The Theater 70%. Will wait for reviews.

  • This is not your daddy’s Aquaman!
  • YeeAHHHHHH!
  • Batman goes to Ye Olde Fishing Village and barges in the bar.
  • “I am here to do two things: look for Aquaman, and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of bubble gum.”
  • And I guess Aquaman is Thor now, but if Thor were in a Norwegian black metal band.
  • Grrrr.
  • HARDCOREEXTREMEMETALTATTOOS.
  • But he’s still named Arthur, for some reasOHMIGOD I JUST GOT IT because Aquaman is King of the Sea and King Arthur.
  • I truly just got that.
  • And also I think King Arthur is actually in this movie: I guess they’re going to say that Excalibur had something to do with Darkseid and Mother Boxes and all that Jack Kirby/New Gods bullshit?
  • (An aside for the Comic Nerds: the New Gods were fucking stupid. The bad guy was named Darkseid, who was always looking for the Anti-Life Equation, and there was an escape artist named Scott B. Free, and a torturer named DeSaad. Dopey. I will give points for the Boom Tube, which is how you travel through space and time in that particular comic.)
  • But Darkseid’s coming to eat the DC Cinematic Universe, so Batman needs to put together a team of people with actual super-powers.
  • As opposed to Batman, who has 20 billion dollars and PTSD.
  • Although having 20 billion dollars is kind of a super power, in that you can do things mere mortals cannot.
  • No amount of money will give you access to the Speed Force, which is what gives all Flashes their super-speed.
  • I am dumber for having written that sentence; you are dumber for having read it.
  • The Flash is played by the new version of Justin Long, and he is twitchy, and resides in the most “clearly existing in a movie” teenager’s bedroom you’ve ever seen.
  • Graffiti and monitors and half-cannibalized tech and a science lab: I am quite positive he will turn out to be a hacker.
  • To prove Flash is the Flash, Batman throws a stylized razor blade at his face.
  • In the DCCU, the Flash is high-school age, which means Batman broke into a teenager’s bedroom, laid in wait for the youth, and then hucked a knife at him.
  • That’s some good Batmanning, buddy.
  • You’re a hero.
  • God, all those superheros are unbearable.
  • There’s also a black guy, who is a robot,
  • And then the stinger, which is Ben Affleck smirking at Wet Thor, “I hear you talk to fish.”
  • And you can understand what they’re doing here–turning into the skid–but they missed a wonderful opportunity to have Aquaman respond by hurling a beluga whale at Batman’s smug face.
  • SHPLOMPH!

Odds I See This In The Theater Some percent. Definitely a quantifiable percent.

4 Comments

  1. Adam Beach was really good in Dance Me Outside, Bruce Mcdonald directed it (Hard Core Logo, Highway 61). I’m a fan of Canadian indy films and yes, he does talk kinda slow.

  2. That Batman/Flash scene looks exactly like the Iron Man/Spidey scene from Civil War except leaden, ugly and dull instead of clever, self-aware and charming

    • I thought WW looked like a mediocre trailer for what might actually be a decent movie. I’m rooting for that one.

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