Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On All The Stupid Trailers At Once

  • If you do not plink on the piano in an ominous fashion to start your trailers, the movie cops come to your house and shoot you right in your cocaine.
  • Beeblebrox Castanet is sad, and wants to know things.
  • He learns things, and shaves.
  • But someone is evil, and has also learned things.
  • Burpandfart Crapandpiss doubts himself, but he is encourages by a Magical Negro.
  • Literally.
  • There is Inceptioning.
  • We end with a joke.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 30%. I like the character, and I like Mads Mikkelson, who plays the bad guy, but I’m tired of people throwing computer graphics at each other.

  • I am standing strong on my “pass” on Eddie Redmayne.
  • His face is like a whimsical dodecahedron.
  • And the other guy, the fat guy?
  • Between the two of them, there’s a lot of theater-kidding go on in this trailer.
  • If you sang the first line of a Sondheim song, the two of them would finish it, in harmony, at the top of their lungs.
  • They’re desperate for more Harry Potter bullshit, except this one’s set in Depression-era New York instead of Magic Eton, and instead of cute kids and scenery-chewing veterans, it’s Colin Ferrell and Jon Voight and terrible CG.
  • The main guy loses some monsters and has to get them back or blah blah blah.
  • Basically Pokemon Go with wands.
  • We end with a joke.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 1%. If Amanda Seyfried called and wanted to see it with me, I would go. Other than that, it’s not going to happen.

  • Yes, please.
  • Vietnam movie with a giant ape?
  • Viet Kong?
  • Yes, please.
  • Samuel L. Jackson and John Goodman glowering at one another, and then monsters vs. Charlie Company?
  • Again: yes, please.
  • Brie Larson is having a great year.
  • She won an Oscar, so now she gets to be a super-hero, and also the blonde lady in the monster movie who looks up at the monster.
  • “Blonde Lady Who Looks At Monster” is a coveted role in Hollywood, if you think about it.
  • I am, however, not buying Tim Higgledypiggledy as an action hero.
  • I am also not buying him as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend.
  • I will continue to buy him as Loki.
  • This film is apparently the first in what will hopefully be a series: the next one will star Godzilla*, and the third will be the showdown between the two.
  • Yes, please.

*I was wrong: that last Godzilla, the one he was in for eight minutes? That was the first, and it was so terrible I forgot it existed.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 99%. If someone were to pay me a substantial-enough fee, or there were mutant bikers setting peacocks on fire outside my door the day I wanted to go, or my girlfriend Amanda Seyfried didn’t want to go, then I would forego seeing this masterpiece in the theater. Otherwise, the whole point of this movie is the big screen: King Kong’s all scaled up so he can fight Godzilla, and John Goodman’s in it.

  • This looks dreadful, but I am prepared to give it the benefit of the doubt having just seen The Man From UNCLE the other night, also directed by Guy Richie, and enjoying it throughly.
  • And I also liked Snatch and the first Sherlock Holmes movie, even though it made no sense.
  • King Arthur has a black friend now, played by Djembe Houston.
  • I am sure that the guy who is playing King Arthur auditioned for the par of Thor.
  • Is Jude Law the bad guy?
  • Is he Merlin?
  • Why are there elephants in England?
  • It is cold in England.
  • Elephants would die, especially in the past.
  • Why do you have elephants, King Arthur?
  • And do not tell me that the black guy brought them, because that is racist as shit, King Arthur.
  • Fuck you, King Arthur.
  • How’d you get to be king, anyway?
  • You all did the Monty Python bit, didn’t you?
  • Predictable.
  • King Kong>King Arthur.

Odds I See This Film In A Theater 10%. This seems like something CotD (Cousin on the Dead) would enjoy and he always buys the popcorn, so I’m going with 10%.

Any more videos will crash a page or two, so I’ll do the stupid DC movies in a separate post. Stay tuned, true believers!

3 Comments

  1. VIET KONG

    slow clap

    Strange looks like a hoot to me. It’s that CGI stuff dialed up to 11 and then more from there. I’m in

  2. hugh.c.mcbride

    July 26, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    ” I’m tired of people throwing computer graphics at each other.”

    As I believe the kids are fond of saying on their Twitter machines, THIS.

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