Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On America With Only The Afternoon’s Football Games As Research

  • According to the games, America is about 90% black.
  • According to the commercials, the only black people in America are the cast of Fox’s hit show, Empire.
  • There are also women in America: their names are Pam Oliver and Erin Andrews.
  • There may be no job more useless than sideline reporter.
  • Syrian census-taker?
  • To continue along the highway of racial bullshit, if you mute the sound, football becomes white guy yelling at ten black guys vs. eleven black guys.
  • Then the punter comes on.
  • Then, the teams switch places.
  • If you turn the sound back on, it’s no better.
  • Then, it’s two white guys commentating on the efficacy of the white guys yelling at the black guys.
  • One of the announcers teaches us another truth about America (and the world, really): you can’t go wrong having a rich and famous father.
  • If Joe Buck’s name was Allan Schlesinger, then only his friends and family would dislike him.
  • Instead, we all get to dislike him.
  • You can tell that no one who knows Joe Buck likes him because they let him appear on national television with that “beard”.
  • Joe Buck’s beard doesn’t correct people who call President Obama a Muslim.
  • Joe Buck’s beard “just asks questions” about 9/11.
  • Joe Buck’s beard thinks John Mayer was a great hire.
  • Speaking of announcers, some of us are unable to watch football games without the context of reality and every time, say, Troy Aikman comes on the screen, we wonder when he’ll start forgetting things.
  • I didn’t think I would ever miss Kate Upton’s tits trying to sell me a Dungeons & Dragons-ripoff freemium game, but: congratulations, DraftDuel.
  • FanFuckers?
  • Whatever that bullshit semi-legal gambling app is.
  • (I do enjoy Edward Norton doing the voice-over for it, though: it surely made him miserable, and anything that makes Edward Norton miserable is fine by me.)
  • Pickup trucks used to be for work.
  • They had interiors that you couldn’t fuck up.
  • Now, pickup trucks are like the Mirror Room at Versailles crossed with an Apple Store.
  • You can also carry stuff in them, I guess, but you have to buy the bedliner and scratch-resistant paint.
  • Football is like religion, but not in that sophomoric and sappy newspaper columnist way.
  • I mean that football is like religion in that if you had avoided them until you were a grown-up, they could not be explained to you.
  • Imagine a normal American, around 30, thoroughly seeped in American culture.
  • But no football or Christianity.
  • It would be incomprehensible; the person’s brain wouldn’t be able to see the patterns; he would be like one of those feral children who didn’t acquire language at the right time and now communicates through grunts and pooping.
  • “What’s that guy doing?”
  • “Do all the rules have exceptions, and why are there so many damn rules?”
  • “Soccer has three rules and they manage to get through a season.”
  • “Women are not allowed to participate in this organization?”
  • “What’s with all the weird costumes?”
  • “Why is Ray Lewis yelling?”
  • “Let me get this straight: this organization knew about the damage it was doing to young people, knew about it for years and years, and did absolutely nothing, in fact they stonewalled and litigated when confronted with their misdeeds?”
  • “And still pay no taxes and literally and openly steal from city coffers when it comes time to upgrade their facilities?”
  • “This is a trick, right?”


  1. One message to Joe Buck:
    If I can tell who you voted for for president by the way you call a football game, you’re not very good at your job.

  2. Offensive guards smacking their own asses right before the snap is my new favorite thing about football.

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