Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On Animals

  • The iguana always struck me as a rather self-possessed reptile.
  • Sheep don’t need all that wool by their assholes. Shit sticks to wool very well. It’s a design flaw.
  • Gazelle, antelope, caribou: you’re just foreign deer. Get off your high horses.
  • There is nothing–not one picosecond or nanofactoid–about the offspring of a hippopotamus and a rhinoceros I would not be interested in. The conception, the birth, the childhood, the trial of the humans involved on charges of “crimes against sanity,” everything.
  • I’m pretty sure a rhino/hippo hybrid baby opens a demonic gateway of some sort. It’s the sort of Thing That Should Not Be that just brings the Abandoned Gods running.
  • Dragonflies are a lot more fly than dragon, and I feel it’s bullshit that they get away with leading with dragon. If you’re gonna keep the order, it should be “dragonFLY” or something. Dragonflies have almost nothing in common with dragons, if we’re honest: they’re incapable of understanding what gold is, and are never voiced by classically trained British actors.
  • If birds were big enough, they would eat us. This is not true for other animals. Bears would rather not eat you. Sharks spit us out. Birds would fucking eat us. Ever meet a wild turkey? Birds would fucking eat us.
  • Alligators are chill, but crocodiles are complete aggro-dicks. It’s misplaced anxiety over their bad teeth, but they’re collectively 500 million years old and need to get over themselves.
  • Evolution’s what happened and all, but then you look at the hammerhead shark and think, “Someone had to have made that one. Someone got high and made that thing.” See also: platypuses and those fish with their own fishing lures sticking out of their foreheads.
  • If you own a snake, I don’t get you. No value judgements.
  • I would totally like to watch you feed the snake, though.
  • Don’t have a bird. To have a bird, you have to keep them caged or clip their wings. Change the bird for a human, and that’s the plot to Misery. The bird doesn’t want to live in your den and watch Netflix with you. It’s a bird: it wants to be outside.
  • Penguins should just be fish. The bird thing seems like more effort than its worth by now.
  • As far as we know, humans are the only animal to have come up with iced tea.
  • Anteaters never need to look at the menu. (Or, do they get bored? “Jesus, I’d kill for a beetle. A cricket, something.”)
  • All animal-involved sports and exhibitions should be banned. No more elephants in circuses, or horses in races, or seals in clubs.
  • Is that not what “clubbing seals” meant? That the seals were going to warehouses to listen to EDM and take drugs?
  • Oh, Christ.
  • Wow.
  • I wish you had not corrected me. In my head, the seals were kinda fabulous. They went to Ibiza for the season, and had a lot of Instagram followers.
  • How do moose walk through the forest with those antlers? Do clumsy moose get their antlers stuck? Moose step, step, step, THWACK. “Godammit, Earl: pay attention.” Moose step, step, step, THWACK. “Godammit, Earl.” And so on.
  • Nimble cocksuckers, moose.
  • Dolphins are natural arsonists. Luckily, they live in the ocean. Everybody caught a break on that one.
  • Puma, mountain lion, catamount, panther, nittany lion, cougar: all the same cat. Ol’ Dirty Bastard stole the concept.


  1. I might have that same sheep-like design flaw…

  2. There has to be a medication (or, razor) for that condition.

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