Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On Communism Without Research

  • Just like everything else, the book was better.
  • The book, of course, being The Communist Manifesto.
  • Killer opening bit.
  • The rest makes little sense, I think, I have been told, I would assume.
  • I have not read The Communist Manifesto, per se.
  • Of course, I haven’t read any Adam Smith and will almost certainly do one of these for Capitalism soon, so let’s just bull ahead.
  • Karl Marx wrote the whole thing in the main reading room of the British Library, so next time you’re at the library and see a guy reading the dictionary upside down while fondling his hard-on, just think: that man might be starting Communism.
  • Nothing good has ever come from a manifesto.
  • It’s a red flag.
  • If you were on a Tinder date with a dude and he mentioned his manifesto, you would sneak out the window of the Buffalo Wild Wings.
  • If you were on a Tinder date with a woman and she mentioned her manifesto, you would smile and nod if she were pretty enough and you thought you had a chance, because men are awful.
  • I once went on a second date with a 9/11 truther because she had big boobs and red hair.
  • Did not touch the boobs, but we did see Dredd in 3D, so I consider that a win.
  • Communism produced exactly zero action movies with exciting 3D effects and a growly Karl Urban.
  • Communism was, however, an excellent bad guy in many, many movies.
  • But we made them.
  • So, the Manifesto was written in…the…18…8…0’s?
  • 1880’s sounds about right.
  • Right in the middle of the Industrial Revolution; give it a generation to percolate; translate it into French; Lenin.
  • The whole 20th century was about Communism, basically.
  • Was it coming?
  • Was it winning?
  • Are you one of ’em?
  • And, so on.
  • Communism’s only real failing is that every time it’s been tried it kills millions of people.
  • By accident.
  • Dozens of millions die on purpose.
  • If you need to kill a whole bunch of motherfuckers and only have room on your shelf for two book, the Communist Manifesto and the AK47 Service Manual are your jams.
  •  The Romanov clan of gypsies and thieves had to go. They were a bit grandiose, plus the Rasputin thing.
  • Can you imagine if that happened today? If President Obama out-of-nowhere started hanging out with a seven-foot shaman from the backwoods?
  • And the dude’s just looming over the First Lady in pictures, and casting spells on the press corps?
  • Stock market might take a hit that week.
  • Mentioning the stock market brings us back to the sheer economic side of Communism, which is that it’s based on the concept of a command economy.
  • There’s no such thing as an economy.
  • It’s just a memeplex – an encapsulating metaphor that holds within it several other ideas and metaphors. The “economy” is just the semi-illuminated conglomerated snapshot of trillions of individual transactions and decisions, updated on a (nowadays) picosecond basis.
  • You can’t tell it what to do, is my point.
  • Nor predict it.
  • A market economy will beat a command economy every time, as evidenced by that’s what happened always.
  • Which led to the iconic pictures of people waiting in lines to buy toilet paper or turnips or whatnot in Soviet Russia.
  • I recall waiting in a very long line to see Return of the Jedi as a child.
  • Not toilet paper, though.
  • You could leave the car running while you grabbed it.
  • Speaking of cars, Communism produced jokes like the Zil and the Lada, while Capitalism gave us such reliable hot rods as the AMC Pacer, the Chevy Cavalier, and every Buick ever made.
  • Call that one even: all cars used to be terrible.
  • But, you know: in America, you didn’t have to know a Party member and wait three years for a hatchback.
  • I withdraw my call of “even.” Point: Capitalism.
  • Outside of base financial quibbles, there’s the whole “you’re not allowed to leave” thing.
  • If the door’s locked from the outside, we’ve gone past the reasonable stage.
  • The Russian version of Communism was bad, but the Chinese model was strange.
  • (And, of course, murderous. Millions and millions.)
  • Mao Tse Tung chased Chang Kai-Sheck and his Nationalists around the mainland for a while.
  • Perhaps the other way around.
  • Mao won; Chang and his army wound up on Formosa.
  • Mao should not have been place in charge.
  • It turns out he was a semi-illiterate filthmonster drug addict.
  • Which shouldn’t be too surprising, as he was a writer.
  • Mao’s Little Red Book was the sleeper hit of the year.
  • The Year of the Monkey, I think.
  • Also, if you didn’t carry it with you at all times, you’d get shot in the face.
  • Mao was crazy as Billy and seemingly stupid as fuck: “let’s have the students beat their teachers to death, then make all the accountants be farmers” is an objectively bad plan.
  • If you just look at numbers, the median fellow in China didn’t even notice Communism that much, as his day was going to be 10 hours of walking behind a musk ox no matter which socioeconomic theory held sway in the capital.
  • The Dead never played any goddamned commie countries.


  1. There was a boy in my history class who I thought was really cute until he explained to me how he thought 9/11 was an “inside job.”

  2. I’m going to invent a version of Tinder for gay people. I think there could be a niche market.

  3. i give this one two thumbs up.

  4. Richard Parker

    June 7, 2015 at 4:18 am

    No Musk Ox in China. Shame; Sweet and Sour Musk Ox might be quite the culinary hit.

  5. Richard Parker

    June 7, 2015 at 4:23 am

    Was in St Pete’s (then Leninturd) in 1989. Every time our guide parked his car, he removed his wind shield wipers and placed them inside his coat while we went inside. Apparently there were no replacement wind shield wipers in the entire country and any left on unattended cars would be stolen.

    It was the little things that were so unbelievable.

  6. “I recall waiting in a very long line to see Return of the Jedi as a child.”

    I recall waiting in many very long lines (literal and metaphorical) to see GD as an adult.

  7. Tell me this isn’t some Great Leap Forward Cultural Revolution Socialist Realism shit, right here

    • It isn’t. That’s just bad hippy art

      • after we in the Vanguard* stage the Takeover and our Exhortations to Kind Heady Positivity are painted as murals on walls and billboards 80 ft. high in every downtown city square, you’ll be singing a different tune about that. Or else.

        The East
        The West
        Our Shining Star
        Both Grateful Dead and Red

        (*rebels are we.)

  8. The short list in the CM is now part of regular life in most market economy, democracy claiming countries.

    Also the inspiration for the list the pigs painted on the barn at Animal Farm, i believe.

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