Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On My Lunch

  • When did lunch become $14?
  • Five Guys, Smashburger, Burger Fi, Shake Shack, Elevation Burger: all of you fuckers need to explain yourselves to me.
  • All of you Genuine Authentic Burger Joints
  • Yes, I had bacon and cheese on my burger, but not fourteen bucks worth.
  • If you ate that much cheese and bacon at once, your heart would implode.
  • And, obviously, fries and a coke.
  • Again: not fourteen dollars worth.
  • You used to be able to buy an actual human being for $14.
  • A certain clown sells two cheeseburgers, plus the fries and drink, for 4 or 5 bucks.
  • Well, you know: “cheeseburgers.”
  • McDonald’s sells edible non-food products.
  • Except for their fries, which are perfect in every way and possibly the pinnacle of American inventiveness.
  • And can in no way be matched by any of these GABJs.
  • Don’t tell me where the potatoes come from, man.
  • I don’t care.
  • Fuck your farm-to-table pretensions: you’re in a strip mall next to a Barnes & Noble.
  • Overly branded cheek is fine, but your fries need to be as good as the place with the playpen and drive-through.
  • Plus–and the fuckers think we don’t notice, but TotD does, because he is used to seeing plots against him–the burgers are teeny-tiny, but they heap the fries on until the fry basket is just a laughable irrelevance, as if we’re not going to notice that the burger is wee.
  • I notice.
  • You’re not overloading me with fries because you like me, you’re doing it because beef is expensive and spuds is cheap.
  • I object to your attempted chicanery.
  • This specific GABJ had a very new school soda machine. It had a big touchscreen interface and purported to serve over 200 beverages.
  • Is this part of the Internet of Things?
  • This is an improvement over the older models because now you have more choice, and you also get to touch the same filthy screen every other member of the public has run his or her shitty, snotty paws all over.
  • Yay.
  • But, a diner gets to have Diet Strawberry Fanta or Moxie or whatever other weird drink you desire.
  • (Those small-batch soda people are so much worse than foodies or wine people or child murderers.)
  • Finally, and this is more personal than the other stuff, if you don’t want me to feed (and talk to and attempt to befriend) the birds, then: A, don’t give me a metric tonne of french fries; and B, put up a sign.
  • I will abide by a sign.
  • No sign? I’m hanging out with my new bird friends, fuckers.


  1. You’re in Florida, you’ve got Steak & Shake. Quit your whining.

  2. I’ll give the clown this much. The fries do seem to come straight from Idaho. I’ve driven by the plants and they are cranking out those delicious fuckers every day.

  3. david notliemouz

    May 26, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    preach, brother

  4. It’s fast and pretty good but to feed the fam it’s almost $40 with burgers, fries and drinks at Five Guys. Does not include the reach around.

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