Thoughts On Super Bowl 52*

• The good guys did not win: Philadelphia has never been and will never be the “good guys.”
• But the baddies lost.
• And, Enthusiasts, I will not lie to you: I am taking this as a sign for 2018.
• #BLUEWAVE.
• When Brady dropped that pass was the moment the Democrats took the Senate back.
• Let’s get this out of the way: fuck Justin Timberlake.
• Justin Timberlake has taken more from black people than sickle-cell anemia.
• Stupid fucking name.
• Go back to Montana and your C-list wife and stop bothering us, turdface.
• Leave Prince out of your forgettable malarkey, Justin Timberlake.
• He said SPECIFICALLY not to do the thing you did.
• Here, here’s Prince’s quote from 1998 about bringing him back from the dead to duet with his lessors:

That whole virtual reality thing … it really is demonic. And I am not a demon … To prevent that kind of thing from happening is another reason why I want artistic control. That’s the most demonic thing imaginable. Everything is as it is, and it should be. If I was meant to jam with Duke Ellington, we would have lived in the same age.

There’s gonna be this little Mickey Mouse motherfucker named Justin Timberlake who’s gonna try it. You don’t know who that is yet, but trust me on this. I’m Prince, and I know things. Do not let that little bitch sing with me after I’m dead at Super Bowl 52. Don’t ask me how I know these things. I’m Prince. 

• Oh, there was a game, too.
• And it was close to the Platonic ideal of football perfection, as it contained almost no punting.
• As we know, punting is a shameful act.
• Justin Timberlake probably punts.
• Also bringing the game close to glory was the deployment of trick plays: twice–TWICE–did the quarterback get sent downfield as a receiver.
• Even better: Brady dropped his!
• (Here’s TotD’s improvement to the rules: all teams MUST attempt three (3) trick plays every game. Triple reverse, fumblerooski, fake field goal, whatever: something besides slant-left and up-and-out. Even better: the plays are decided randomly by computer and given to the coach to call in with no warning at all. Maybe we could vote on Twitter or something.)
• Philly’s on fire, right?
• It’s been an hour.
• Did they grease up the Liberty Bell?
• Because someone’s climbing, and then fucking, that historical landmark.
• Bill Belichick looks like the pile of clothes in the corner of the basement you’ve been meaning to take to Goodwill.
• Every day that I wake up and 17 or 18 women haven’t come for Al Michaels astonishes me.
• Chris Collinsworth, too.
• Wanna know what Hell is?
• Hell is listening to Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth discussing whether a player was technically a “receiver” or a “runner” at the time of the fumble.
• Forever.
• There were also commercials, which we are warned to act excited about; if we cannot muster up enough enthusiasms, then we will be pulled out of a security line and forced to hug the cancerous.
• Seriously: fuck that shit, Hyundai.
• People don’t buy Hyundais because they care about cancer; they buy them because the monthly payment was $40 less than the similar-model Kia.
• In the same vein: fuck Dodge trucks, Stella Artois, and T-Mobile.
• If you want to do something charitable, corporations, then just do it.
• Don’t make us buy shit so you can donate the money.
• Who do you think you are, the Grateful Dead?

*I will not play along with your Roman numeral bullshit, NFL. Especially now that we’ve gotten past I, V, and X. I, V, and X are cool-ass letters. L is most decidedly not. Even Smashmouth knows that L is for suckers.