Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Rogue One Trailer

      [embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze2kpOZx_kU[/embedyt]

 

  • This is the future that we have chosen: a new, carefully-calibrated, competently-executed Star Wars product every year until you fucking die.
  • Remember that thing you liked?
  • Here, choke on it.
  • Please note for the record that TotD was the first to declare that we have reached Peak Star Wars.
  • There is a backlash coming; a rebellion, if you will.
  • Anyway, the actual trailer isn’t a trailer: it’s a teaser trailer, but keep in mind that words don’t mean anything anymore.
  • It’s a trailer.
  • Which means–by law–it must begin with ominous piano music.
  • There is a pretty white girl in trouble.
  • She is making a very serious face.
  • Look:
  • rogue one felicity jones serious
  • That is a very serious face.
  • Also: did you know that there was mascara in space?
  • She looks like she should be smoking Marlboro Reds in the parking lot of the Mos Eisley 7-11.
  • And while she is making that face, she is completely surrounded by Star Wars.
  • X-Wings, and droids, and that dopey Tour de France-style space helmet the guy in the picture’s wearing.
  • It’s like the set was cosplaying as Star Wars.
  • You might just call it Star Warsing.
  • This trailer is the Star Warsiest thing ever, and we haven’t even gotten to the AT-AT walkers.
  • Then, Mon Mothma and a Hispanic guy show up.
  • (The Star Wars Universe has become decidedly more diverse since Disney bought the property, although the hero is still going to be a pretty white girl. Felicity Jones, Daisy Ridley, Luke Hamill: pretty white girls. Also, that the push for an integrated SWU is mostly based in added value in the global market makes no difference. Any casting process that gives me Forest Whitaker and Donnie Yen in a Star Wars movie is to be lauded.)
  • The innertubes have already begun speculating on whether the Hispanic guy is Poe Dameron’s father, because the innertubes are racist.
  • There is punching.
  • Blasters, which make the sound .
  • PEW PEW.
  • And the pretty white girl goes, “This is a rebellion, right? I rebel.”
  • Which is a dumb fucking line.
  • “This is a star war, right? LIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERYAAAAAY.”
  • Kinda blatant, is all I’m saying.
  • Back to the action: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Death Star.
  • They have made five Star Wars films and the Death Star has been in four of them.
  • That’s an 80% market penetration.
  • Holy shit: Star Wars isn’t about Jedis or the Force or any of that bullshit.
  • It’s about the Death Star.
  • Quick: someone go concoct an elaborate revisionist theory where the Death Star is the protagonist.
  • A series of shots:
  • Space Nazi in a cape!
  • X-Wing pilots running!
  • Stormtroopers patrolling somewhere dusty!
  • Forest Whitaker!
  • Wait.
  • One of these things is not like the other.
  • Luckily, Forest Whitaker is a god among men and he and his sloppy eyeball can be in every movie, as far as I’m concerned.
  • Plus, if you were on one of the seemingly-millions of desert planets in the Star Wars Universe, and you ran into a crazy person in a cave, that person would be Forest Whitaker.
  • It just makes sense.
  • I would pay to see a shot-for-shot remake of the original Star Wars with Forest Whitaker playing every part: Han, Luke, Leia, the droids.
  • Forest Whitaker is also wearing a cape.
  • We’ve discussed the cape thing.
  • This trailer is less than two minutes long, and there are a good 35 characters wearing capes.
  • And then there’s a bunch of mysterious bullshit: out-of-context shots of the bad guy, and the true, secret bad guy (can’t be Star Wars without a true, secret bad guy), and a new stormtrooper or two.
  • Running!
  • Peril!
  • Escaping!
  • AND THEN DONNIE YEN LAYS SOME MOTHERFUCKING SPACE KUNG FU ON A STORMTROOPER.
  • Perhaps you know how I feel about Donnie Yen.
  • If you need a refresher course:
  • Now: they’re not going to let him to do that, but his mere presence in the film is enough for me.
  • I got a yen for Yen.
  • He’s the biggest movie star in Asia, so it makes sense why he’s in here: China doesn’t really give a shit about Star Wars at the moment, but Disney is intent on changing that opinion.
  • It’s a bit surprising a Bollywood star or two isn’t in this.
  • And then AT-AT walkers have their grand entrance and–as is the trope–can’t shoot for shit.
  • Our Star Warriors are running, slowly and in straight-ish lines, on an open tarmac, and no one gets hit.
  • And don’t give me any of that bullshit about the Force.
  • At a certain point, one has to call the Empire’s competence into question.
  • Killing a person standing in the middle of what is essentially a parking lot should be doable by a military.
  • Hell, leave the walkers on the Star Destroyer and just carpet bomb the area for a couple days.
  • Or a machine gun.
  • One United States Marine with a rifle and half-decent position could solve this problem for you; even if they had gotten the job done, the robot death elephants are overkill.
  • Then there is more piano music, and it is very sad, and the pretty white girl is now wearing Tie-Fighter pilot armor, and if you want, you can go to YouTube and watch professional nerds discuss this fact for hours upon hours.
  • She makes another serious face.
  • Look:
  • felicity jones serious face empire
  • I sincerely hope that Felicity Jones can make more than one face.

3 Comments

  1. Pretty much waited all day for this. You did NOT disappoint.

  2. snivelingsneven

    April 8, 2016 at 2:48 am

    You have made me happy. Your words please my insides.
    I think Felicity Jones and Daisy Ridley need to meet our favorite semi-defunct choogly-type band and make with the whoopie.
    I will watch and take notes…

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