Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Suicide Squad Trailer

  • I’ve been doing a bunch of these lately, and I apologize if they bore you, but these superhero movies astound me.
  • So many intelligent and creative people working such long hours to make something so dumb.
  • This is DC’s attempt at a Guardians of the Galaxy-style wacky team-up mixed with a Deadpool-style vulgarity, although I’m sure The Dirty Dozen will be brought up at the press junket.
  • Which makes sense because this is The Dirty Dozen with super-powers and without Telly Savalas and also it doesn’t make sense: the essential premise of the film makes no sense whatsoever.
  • We open on very serious people around a very serious table.
  • “What if Superman ate the President?” one of them asks, kinda.
  • This movie asks us to believe that these serious people around that serious table believe the answer to the problem of Superman is a group of psychopathic metahumans led by a guy who can shoot guns very well.
  • Why don’t you just send Annie Oakley up against the Kryptonian?
  • Don’t get me wrong: Superman will certainly have his hands full fighting a guy with some guns, a woman in hot pants, a crocodile-person, another woman with a sword, and a tattooed fellow who shoots fire from his hands.
  • Fire will stop Superman.
  • And then the first two bad signs in the trailer: Jared Leto does a Joker laugh that you can tell he practiced really hard, and the DC logo appears.
  • I fail to see why we should trust these people any more.
  • Batman Begins was half-good (go back and watch it again); Superman Returns was a bore except for Kevin Spacey; Dark Knight Rises was incomprehensible, self-serious, and slow; Man of Steel was a war crime; you know about my Batman v. Superman boycott.
  • Dark Knight ruled, so that means DC is batting .166; that is below  the Mendoza Line.
  • The team of bad guys is assembled, but under the tightest security: they are all strapped into Hannibal Lecter chairs and brought to an airfield, where they are immediately released and given weapons and explosives while all the soldiers in the area gawk.
  • Margot Robbie is given a longer introduction than the other members of squad due to being preternaturally pleasant to look at.
  • I’m sure she has other talents, but she’s simply incredible at being looked at.
  • In fact, she is so appealing to the eye, that it stymies the higher brain functions that might ask “Why is the woman in the hot pants included in the super-team?”
  • “Not hot pant-shaming here; it’s just that she has no super-powers. She has a bat. I know there’s a woman with a sword, but I believe it’s a magic sword. Margot Robbie is just a woman in hot pants with a baseball bat. That describes half the women in Florida. Why is she on the team?”
  • Instead, she’s so pretty that you stop asking dopey questions.
  • Will Smith is playing Deadpool or Deathsmith or Darksmash or Diphthong or something like that: he shoots guns.
  • That’s it.
  • Second Amendment Hawkeye, basically.
  • He is the leader of the team because he is Will Smith.
  • Although, to be honest: you can’t make the crocodile-person the leader of the team.
  • During the shots of the Suicide Squad getting their weapons, the crocodile-person got a hoodie, and I was happy for him.
  • His skin must dry out in the sun.
  • There is also the previously-mentioned lady with a sword, who has a samurai theme to her costume, and Cara Delevingne, who has a Commes des Garcon theme to her costume.
  • Delevingne is playing the Enchantress, and you can tell from the name that he powers will be completely made up along the way.
  • Scarlet Witch, basically.
  • Jai Courtney is involved in this film; he plays Captain Boomerang.
  • Both clauses of the last sentence are awful.
  • I assume they’re trick boomerangs, but still: fuck you.
  • My patience is virtually nil for the guy with the gun and the woman with the bat, but I simply will not tolerate some doofus hucking Australian backscratchers.
  • Especially if he’s played by Jai Courtney.
  • Tattoo-face shoots the fire from his hands a couple times.
  • Action.
  • Fighting.
  • One-liners.
  • Rockets.
  • Helicopters.
  • Boomerang.
  • And then Batman and the Joker show up.
  • Well, Batman shows up.
  • Jared Leto shows up, and he is appearing as the Joker in this movie.
  • Dunno if Joker shows up.
  • Let’s say this: Jared Leto engages in Jokering.
  • This isn’t your daddy’s Joker, mostly because your daddy’s Joker didn’t make you cringe in embarrassment.
  • Batman is played by Ben Affleck, who has been given all the money in the world by Warner Brothers, and he leaps off of stuff and jumps on things and, in one shot, clings to a speeding car like Shatner in T.J. Hooker.
  • We end where we began: the premise.
  • In a world with super-powered humans, the solution to a problem is never “add more super-powered humans.”
  • You posit a world with super-heroes and villains, and I’ll accept that, but don’t ask me to buy that everyone else is a complete moron.
  • Margot Robbie is a babe.

3 Comments

  1. I’m all for looking hot while being totally badass but can we get some girls in these kinds of movies who aren’t distractingly pretty/sexualized

    Idk I know it’s all fantasy and that’s what sells and OH GOD NOW IM TOTALLY BEING MEAN and raining on your parade I am sorry

  2. herr durrrh kryptonite bullets derrr

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*