Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tips For Pokemon Go

  • Try looking in your father’s wallet, or in the medicine cabinet.
  • Pokemonsters might not reveal themselves to you without the sound of sudden violence: sucker punch the mailman and see what happens.
  • The most powerful monster of all, Swizzletits, is located in a buried coffin, so go shoplift a shovel.
  • Locked doors and windows mean nothing to a true Pokemonner.
  • You only have room in your incubator for a Floofenbarf or a Snaggledick, so choose wisely.
  • Assume that everyone you see with a cell phone is also playing Pokemon Go, and win the battle immediately by pushing them into traffic before they know what’s happening.
  • If a Pokemonster tells you to slit the throat of the train conductor and take over the controls, then you should listen to the Pokemonster.
  • When you reach Level 5, you may join a Pokegym.
  • When you reach level 10, you may join a Pokepilates studio.
  • Your Pokedex is divided into three categories: Aeroflange (for flying monsters); Shnargles (for monsters that skip breakfast); and Marfantasy (monsters with Marfan’s Syndrome).
  • Some Pokemonsters only come out at night, at that old camp where all those teenagers died; the man in the hockey mask with the machete is called Stabbadabba, and you should go collect him.
  • The river isn’t that dangerous: go get the Squirtle.
  • Have you checked in the back of that nice man’s van?
  • What about inside the refrigerator?
  • Underwater caves also hold many Pokemonsters.

13 Comments

  1. Can nintendo sponsor the next Jeff and Oteil etc, tour? Hide some critters on stage.

  2. This is straight up telepathy, right here. Pokemon Go is a thing I just heard about, like, one immediate thought prior to checking in over here, TotD. Checking in with, you know, the idea that you might have some guidance to provide on this particular Ingress of Novelty.

    I speak as a lifelong non-adopter of any computer video game bullshit. But this Pokemon Go trip? I’m in.

    https://img.washingtonpost.com/wp-apps/imrs.php?src=https://img.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-switch/files/2016/06/Battle-AR.jpg&w=480

    Just from this image, I can tell already. I’m in. As far into the interdimensionality as I can get with this. I may buy a 60″ wall TV to chase this. A VR headset. A hologram projector. & rob a bank, or something.

  3. Why are you blogging about a Japanese card game from the 1990s?

  4. allthebeerscombine

    July 9, 2016 at 7:48 pm

    .

  5. Pokémon remains are used as fertilizer on berry farms. Delicious, nutritious berries.

    Now you know.

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