An earthquake measuring 7.6 on the Richter scale was detected off the east coast of Honduras tonight, sparking fears of a tsunami; the wave never came, but just in case any of you are in this situation in the future, let your old buddy TotD keep you safe and dry.
- Live in Nebraska. The absolute best defense against a tsunami is a 402 area code. Omaha is not getting rocked by a gargantuan wave sliding back and forth over the landscape four or five times, ripping up civilization as it goes. Plus, Omaha’s not as boring as it used to be: there’s a Whole Foods now!
- Put on your floaties. They will not aid you in your fight against watery death, but they will make it much easier for officials to identify your body afterwards.
- Try not to eat for an hour before the tsunami. You’ll cramp right up, man.
- Be a seagull. Remember when I said that living in Omaha was the best defense against a tsunami? I lied. Be a seagull. See that big wave coming? Just flapflapflap for a little bit, and then when it’s over: there’s gonna be food fucking everywhere. Tsunami is like Christmas to a seagull.
- Attack the ocean with a sword as a reminder of man’s impotence in the face of nature. Literally two men have ever done this, and both of them still get talked about. Caligula, Canut, and now you. Go attack the ocean with a sword.