Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

TotD’s Guide To Oscars

Oscar The Grouch Best Oscar, hands down: sloppy, cynical, and a homeowner. Big Bird’s adorable and all, but if you had a conversation with BB you would shoot, pluck, and eat his overly-cheerful ass in minutes; don’t even get me started on fucking Elmo. Oscar is the sole inhabitant of that street with any brains in his head. Also, he’s kinda Diogenes.

Oscar Madison Anyone played by both Walter Matthau and Jack Klugman has to be okay. Sloppy and cynical like the Grouch, but only a renter. If I recall correctly, he worked for something called a “newspaper.” I hope I’m spelling that right.

Oscar Gamble Look at this bullshit.

Did you see that bullshit? That’s some good bullshit.

Oscar Little This fan-favorite character from HBO’s acclaimed series The Wire would only rob from other criminals, and the children on the street would announce his presence by yelling, “Oscar’s coming!”

Oscar de la Renta Dead. Fancy.

Oscar de la Hoya Alive. Fancy.

Oscar de la Soul Both alive and dead. Three feet high and fancy.

Oscar Pistorious An inspiration to disabled people all around the world who have been told since childhood that they’ll never be able to shoot their spouses.

Oscar Wilde Poet, playwright, epigrammatist. Had nothing to declare except that he’d like to be let out of jail. One of the greatest celebrants of the English language; following tradition, he died penniless in Paris.

Oscar the Lion Mufasa’s brother

Oscar Meyer. Are you singing the song? You’re singing the song. I have to imagine when Oscar Meyer would deal with bureaucrats and they would ask him to spell his name, he would be all, “You’re kidding, right?”

Oscar the Ambivalent King of the Swedes from 1802-06. Not much got accomplished.


  1. #3 that’s the magic number, that’s some fine bullshit right there.

  2. Matthew Perry has also played Oscar Madison, but if you’re all for pretending that doesn’t exist…I’m cool with that

  3. Oscar Gamble is rightly appreciated for his masterful 70s-era coif, but many folks unfortunately overlook his equally majestic way with words.

    During his time with the NY Yankees, Mr. Gamble was asked about that team’s legendary off-field dysfunction, and he replied with one of sport’s (and life’s) great quotes:

    “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”

    Amen, brother …

  4. Omar

    Not to point out any pitfalls in the principal of “without research” but I think Omar Little robbed other criminals in the wire.

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