Birds of Paradise Being Freaky I don’t care if program’s about Alaska: there must be at least one scene of male Birds of Paradise acting fabulous for completely unimpressed females.

British Accent And not any British accent. It can’t be Jason Statham. “Oi, thass a cheetah, innit? Right speedy bugger.” I’m talking Received Pronunciation/Oxbridge. The gold standard, obviously, is David Attenborough but anyone who sounds like an officer in the Galactic Empire is okay.

No More Scenes Featuring A Spider With No Prior Warning Stop that shit, nature documentaries. Tell me when you’re going to show spiders. In fact, warn me before any insect scene because sometimes I am having dinner while watching you and BOOM carnivorous caterpillar eating the head off a fruit fly. Not cool, nature documentaries.

Cool It With The Polar Bears And Penguins They’re boring at this point. And the penguins marching back and forth in Antarctica. I never need to see those idiot penguins again. You don’t need to have your babies in Antarctica to be safe, penguins. You need to arm yourselves. The Second Amendment is for everyone.

Pick Up The Turtle And Walk It To The Ocean Put down the camera, asshole. Stop filming the adorable baby turtles flapping themselves towards the highway because they’re confused by the lights. The ones that wobble towards the ocean? Well, some of them are going to get eaten. That’s the way nature works. But the one drawn to the neon Budweiser sign? Help that little fucker.

“Never-Before Filmed” Nothing gets me more erect than hearing that the Golden Scrotum Finch or whatever has never been filmed before, or that this is “new behavior” that scientists have never seen before. Honestly? I don’t care if you lie. You can just tell me that the animal’s newly-discovered. I’ll believe you.

Turtle Penis All nature documentaries should feature turtle penis.