Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

TotD’s Top Tips For Dealing With The Paranormal

  • Is your house really haunted or are those sounds coming from a murderous transient secretly living in your basement? Important question: seven out of ten poltergeists are actually psychopathic homeless people who eat your food and watch you sleep.
  • Similarly, maybe the white-sheeted figure in your house is not a ghost, but a klansman. I’m not saying that’s a better situation, but it requires a different response. You can just ask him to leave, or–in most American states–shoot him dead with no repercussions.
  • If your child is possessed by the Devil, or a lesser demon, and you call for a priest to perform an exorcism, stay in the room with the priest while the ceremony is happening. You don’t want to replace one problem with another, if you catch my drift.
  • Burn sage to ward off evil spirits, or make your house smell like shit.
  • Summoning anything or anyone requires fancy candles. If you conjure up an Abandoned God with one of those campy Catholic candles from the supermarket, you will certainly face an eternity of torment; at the least, you will be mocked.
  • Speaking of summoning: you need to draw a pentagram, not a pentagon. The former shape brings about communion with the spiritual side, but if you draw the latter, then the ghost of Chesty Puller will appear, and he will yell at you.
  • Sometimes office buildings will be haunted, and you will find yourself being chased through the aisles and desks and halls by ghosts. When this happens, look in the corners of the space for a large, glowing pellet. Consume it. Now, you will be able to chase the ghosts and, upon catching them, eat their souls.
  • If you drop acid in a graveyard, by the time the sun comes up, your hands will be very dirty.
  • On the topic of graveyards: we all know that it is a terrible idea–in a transectothereal, spooky-ooky kind of way–to build on Indian graveyards, but people overlook the fact that it’s not smart to build on any graveyards. First-time home-purchasers often make this mistake: they’ll ask, “Is this house built on an Indian graveyard?” And the realtor can say, “No, it’s not,” with a clear conscience because there are not Indians, but Irishmen in a mass grave beneath the split-level.
  • Never call a ghost, “ghost.” It’s like the N-word to them.
  • If you get the Naiades mad at you, I will not help. You picked a fight with a lake; you deal with it.
  • Over their lifetime, an average human swallows ten chupacabras in his sleep.
  • Statistically, the most haunted part of a house is the rumpus room.
  • It is possible that some of your plants may in fact be ghosts. Unfortunately, there is no way to check, so I’m almost sorry I told you.
  • Unless it’s a ficus: all ficus are ghosts.
  • If the spirit currently residing within your house is intolerable, and an arrangement cannot be reached, then there are many ways to banish it; almost all of them require a respected actor doing a silly accent to make a cameo.
  • Never stay in a haunted motel; it’s bad enough you’re staying in a motel, and there’s usually three or four clustered together, so choose the one without the haints and hoodoo.


  1. Some of those Naiades are pretty hard to resist, though…

  2. I hope I post this crap right. It seems too easy.

  3. “haints and hoodoo” worth the whole read.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    May 21, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Paul Foster

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