Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Transcript From Donald J. Trump’s Speech In Arizona, 8/31/16

“Yes, all right. Great. Huge crowd. Love to be in Phoenix. Hot, nice, great. Hello, Phoenix. America should look a lot more like Phoenix. Massive crowds. Crooked Hillary doesn’t get crowds like this, but she also hasn’t left her hospital bed in a week. Dying!

“I’m here tonight to talk about the number one problem we have in this country, besides Radical Islamic Terrorism, and the media, which is very unfair to me, and Black Lives Matter, which is also a Radical Islamic Terrorist group. The media are probably all Radical Islamic Terrorists, too. Illegal immigration is what’s making America not great. And Mexico, too. Not right! Mexico deserves to be great again, and after I make them build my wall, I’m going to make them great again.

“Went there today, Mexico. Great place, festive. Pinatas. Hats. I met with President Neato. Neato? Nitto? Hernandez? Whatever. I met with El Presidente and got a great deal. I said to him, ‘You’re gonna build my wall.’ In English. My wife Melania, who has been  acknowledged as one of the great beauties and speaks five languages, translated. She doesn’t speak Spanish, but Czech is close. And El Presidente goes, ‘Si, Senor Trump. Gracias, Senor Trump.’ I didn’t need that to be translated. Then he told me he would stop sending all of his rapists.

“El Presidente loves Mexico almost as much as I love America, but he’s second. I am much more patriotic than him. In fact, I might even love Mexico more than he does. Like I said, I will also make Mexico great again, too. He hasn’t made Mexico great, just like Hillary Clinton is the devil. Same thing. We discussed my love of gorditas and chalupas, but also what a loser George Lopez is. No career! When I left, I noticed that the hubcaps were still on my plane’s tires, which was a classy move of Mexico. Facts are facts, even if they’re not politically correct: Mexicans steal hubcaps.

“They also rape and murder. Maurice Thistlewait was 51 years old. He was murdered by an illegal immigrant that Hillary Clinton had sent to his house. Drew a map! Sonya Pappos, 25, was eaten by a Mexican that Hillary Clinton had personally smuggled across the border. And we don’t even know how many there are! 10 million? 20 millions? 100 millions illegal immigrants? Probably, but the government doesn’t know. I do. It’s 100 million. Don’t believe me? Check the ratings for Telemundo. Believe me!

“No more catch and release. Well, we’ll catch. But then we release into Mexico. Not close! Drop them off a couple hundred miles inland. And we put blindfolds on them. Spin them around. Dizzy Mexicans, great. They’ll never get back. 100-foot wall and dizzy Mexicans: first day. Over, done. Criminals? Boom. That’s not gonna happen. No criminals, folks.

“The press, which is biased against me, is going to say ‘deport.’ They love that word. Short, they can spell it, who knows why? I am not saying ‘deport.’ Y’know what? Sure: deport. We have to deport 100 million illegal immigrants, most of whom are raping you right now. Maybe we deport Hillary Clinton, too. ICE needs to have ten times the funding, twenty, thirty. First day, I do that. I will create a division within the ICE agency to get in there, get stuff done. Maybe get shirts for them.

“Crooked Hillary killed Harambe, many people have told me this. Did she do it to pay off a Mexican cartel debt? Does she think gorilla blood is a cure for Lou Gehrig’s disease, which many people have told me she has? How many gorillas have to die to satisfy Hillary Clinton’s lust for power? How many of those 13,000 e-mails were about her illness, and her murders?

“She wants amnesty! I’m gonna give you a wall, great wall. Real. Big and you can touch it, best kind of wall, way up in the sky. Mexico is gonna pay for it, but they don’t know that yet. They might not even know after they’ve done it. They’ll buy me a wall, believe me. Never seen anything like my wall, very beautiful. Sensors. Drones. Cameras. I’m gonna make Mexico pay for a minefield. On their side, on their side.

“Not just Mexico! Many other countries are sending their murderers and rapists. Ecuador. Guatemala. Not great places. I might be able to make them great again, but that would be tough even for me. Very weak countries. It’s bad enough to be Mexico, but these places aren’t even Mexico. Y’know what? I’m gonna have Mexico build itself a wall down South while it’s building us a wall. I mean: they’re already in wall-mode. Get a good deal. Volume!

“Gotta have borders, folks. Don’t have borders, don’t have a country. Flag, gotta have a flag. Song. Borders are the important part. We don’t know who’s coming in. We need extreme vetting, much more than we’re doing, much more. You get off the plane and you look funny, you get tackled. Maybe you’re from a country that looks funny? Country that’s not great? Lot of the world not taking up their end. How about Syria take some refugees? Maybe we put some refugees in Mexico? Maybe we put them on boats and sink the boats? I will make Mexico buy us boats to put refugees on and sink, which will make both countries great, but we will be greater.

“I went to Louisiana and comforted people. Hillary Clinton went and rode a casket around the flooded streets. Taunting the blacks! We all know that Hillary Clinton is a bigot, many people have told me that everybody knows that. Is she a Kleagle? I haven’t seen a picture of it, but I know people who have. She asks for the blacks’ votes, but meanwhile invents sickle-cell anemia. She panders to Latinos, but why did she murder Selena? How did she contract leprosy, which she has? Dr. Drew tweeted that she had leprosy. Good guy, smart, Surgeon General maybe.

“Together, folks. Only way we can America great again, and also if we have time, too, Mexico as well.”


  1. after messing with a couple of search filters on google, this was the second listed result for ‘donald trump arizona speech transcript.’ The first url seemed, somehow, less legitimate than this one, so here I am

    around the end of the first paragraph I was openly laughing while holding out hope that this was his real speech. But anyway. thanks for the fun; I’ll share it with a couple of friends (who, incidentally, like the Dead)

  2. I just busted out laughing 3-4 times! Thanks!

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