“Okay, okay. Yeah. Nice. Look at this, great. All right, I got a speech. Great speech. Ready? Okay, okay.
“Friends, delegates, internet trolls, members of the corrupt media who is very unfair to me, good evening. I’d like to thank the police officers here tonight. I humbly accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States. Not so humbly, maybe. I deserve it. Let’s face it: I deserve it. I beat Ted Cruz, Lyin’ Ted, who is a bad guy, and whose father probably went back in time and murdered Abraham Lincoln.
“America is a terrible place, terrible. Used to be great. I can make it great again, but now? The worst. Probably the worst country in the world right now. Obama destroyed America, and now Crooked Hillary wants to destroy it more, okay? I have heard a phone call where Hillary says–she openly says, this is the truth–that she enjoys watching illegal immigrants stab your wives and daughters. Rape, too. Only Donald Trump can prevent you from being raped by an illegal immigrant. That’s a promise.
“Many cities are on fire right now. I have visited these places, and met with the firemen. They are very brave men, but I have to say that I slide down the pole better than they can. Every time I go to a fire station, I slide down the pole and everyone is amazed. Firemen love me. Maybe Black Lives Matters is going to start shooting firemen? I can stop that, not Hillary. Crooked Hillary is going to drive black people to fire houses to shoot firemen. I won’t be politically correct about this. It’s going to happen.
“We need to look abroad. We’re a joke. I will pull us out of NAFTA, and renegotiate NATO. I will make the WTO meet in Mar-A-Lago, and appoint Melania, who is known as one of the great beauties, to the UN. And the TSA. Gonna be much better, just great. New uniforms, maybe with epaulets. Classiest uniforms you’ve ever seen. Only I can design new uniforms for the TSA.
“I have been around this country in my jet, and met many people who have been hurt by Obama and Hillary’s policies. I met a family in Ohio whose had all been eaten by illegal immigrants. Very sad. In Florida, the swamps are full of Radical Muslim Terrorist Mexicans, and they are breeding with the alligators. Why doesn’t Crooked Hillary speak out about the terrorist gator-people? Only I can clear the Everglades of Mexican mutant Muslims.
“And what about the blacks? Racist Hillary would be awful for the blacks, just awful. I heard that Ted Cruz’ dad helped engineer the AIDS virus and released it in Harlem. That’s what I heard, and then Ted Cruz lies to me. I have to believe his dad made AIDS. A reliable source tells me these things. He’ll endorse. I won’t let him. I’ll treat him like fatso. Christie. You believe that guy? Governor. Wow. Gonna bring him to the White House. I’ll find him things to do.
“Illegal immigrants are eating all our crops. They’re like locusts. Since I started this speech, half-a-million illegal immigrant families have snuck into the country and are probably in your kitchen. And not to clean! To kill, most likely. Did illegal immigrants kill our brave men in Benghazi? That’s what Crooked Hillary doesn’t want us to ask. I’m asking. We know the murderers at Benghazi snuck under the wire, and illegal immigrants are very good at doing that.
“I’m going to fix thing. Cops are getting shot, tragic, sad, and I’m going to fix that. Our deals are the worst, and I will address that. I love Israel. Saudi Arabia throws LMNOQ people off buildings, and then Radical Mexican Immigrants shoot up a club with homosexuals, and what does Hateful Hillary do? She shoots a cop. Hillary Clinton is shooting police officers, and only Donald Trump can make her stop.
“Only I will tell you the truth, and here’s the truth: Crooked Hillary is going to shut all the hospitals and let Syrian refugees live there for free. I’ve seen the plan. On the campaign trail, where I beat 17 people very badly, beat them like dogs, I met many dying grandmothers. Sorry, Grandma. Can’t go to the hospital. That’s where Mohammad and his 12 children live. Our hospitals will be under Sharia law if Hamas Hillary is elected.
“She will bring anarchy and lawlessness, and a very bad family. Daughter is not hot. Sorry to say, have to say. Ivanka is a better choice. Very hot first daughter. Tiffany’s okay, but Ivanka is great. Very hot. Let my daughter make America great again. Thank you, and God bless Donald Trump.”