“Right. Right. Yes. I know, we’re doing great. Look at all these people. The most people. The fire marshal said we had too many people. Fire code is rigged against me. Everyone knows that the fire code is very unfair, and very liberal. When I am president, I will appoint Ivanka to my cabinet as Secretary of Fire Codes. If anyone knows about hot, it’s Ivanka. My daughter has great tits, just the best. Brushed up against them many times. Never grabbed or honked. She’s my daughter, and a strong woman. But great, great, great tits.
“Economy’s flat, though. Not like great tits at all. Detroit. Used to be great. We used to put America first, but Crooked Hillary wants to put America out to pasture. That’s a great line. Pence! Hey, Pence! Write that down so I can tweet it later. Mark Pence, everybody. Gonna be a great vice-president. Governor of a great state. Great state, the best state. I picked a great guy. Many people have told me that I pick the best vice-presidents. Since I’m a kid, many people.
“Anyway, Detroit’s a mess. Hellhole. 100% of people living in Detroit are unemployed. There were two people in the city above the poverty line last year, but they were both murdered. Detroit used to make cars, and now the city can’t even afford Robocops. Haven’t seen one! Crime is up, of course. You got no Robocops, you got crime. Murder. Robbery. If there were more Mexicans, there would be more rape, but it’s cold. On the way in from the airport, my entourage was threatened by Baseball Furies. Sad!
“Who did this? Who broke Detroit? It was Crooked Hillary and her policies of racism, incompetence, and terrorism. Also, I saw video of her torturing a soldier in Benghazi with a cattle prod. She hates America! Did America make fun of her ankles, which are very fat? I don’t know. Was America the lookout when her husband raped the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? Maybe!
“In the next two weeks, we’re gonna roll out some new plans for the economy, great plans, the best plans. Go to the website, you can read the whole thing, great. They got all the plan stuff: details, numbers. Ivanka did a lot of it, and she might also be the Secretary of the Economy. She said she checked the math twice. Obamacare? Gone. First day. That’s two million jobs. Regulations? Gone. Also first day. Two million more jobs. I will quadruple spending on our police. Boom. That’s another two million jobs. Right there, I just created ten million jobs. What did Crooked Hillary do, besides invent AIDS? Why is no one talking about the fact that Hillary Clinton invented AIDS?
“Crooked Hillary wants to divide us. I want to reach out to all Americans who are real Americans. Hey, let’s face facts: some Americans aren’t really Americans. Not politically correct to say, but I think you know where I stand on political correctness. Hillary, who is crooked, won’t say this. I will. A lot of Americans are Americans. I see a lot here. More than the fire marshal wanted, but maybe he’s not a real American. Some people say they’re Americans, but they say it in Spanish. Or they say it and then they blow up your kid’s school. Or they’re homos.
“Recently, Crooked Hillary was at a campaign event. Not as many people as mine, but you’d never know that from the media, which is very unfair to me. Hillary said she ‘short-circuited.’ Maybe she’s a robot? Many people have told me that Hillary Clinton is actually a cyborg, possibly from the future. Who’s she working for? Skynet? The Resistance? We don’t know!
“Let’s look at Obama’s record. Not his rap records, though I’m sure he has many of those. He is a job killer! 400 million Americans are out of work, and Obama fired every one personally. And he was terrible at it. Weak! Hemmed and hawed. You have all seen me fire people, and know that I fire people very well. Not Obama. Sometimes, he ended up promoting them, and then Hillary would have to go to the house and kill the person with a knife. Hillary has committed many knife-murders. Bloody!
“Since Obama took office, 1 out of 5 American families now have no members in the job force. Much worse, 1 out of 10 American families have been eaten by wolves. No job, no money. No money, no food. No food, no energy. No energy, can’t fight off the wolves. Thanks, Obama! Wolf is doing pretty well in Obama’s America, but not hard-working people without jobs. We’ve never seen Obama’s birth certificate, maybe he’s a wolf.
“I will eliminate the Death Tax. I will also eliminate death. Believe me. Crooked Hillary loves the Death Tax. Those are her two favorite things, raising your taxes and murdering people. She supports the Death Tax for the same reason she does everything: money and power. More money for Chelsea, who is not as hot as Ivanka, when Hillary dies. She looks shaky lately. Pale. I’m sure she’s fine, though. Definitely doesn’t have Parkinson’s.
“The economy. Right. Gonna be great. Why can’t I use nukes on the economy? Maybe all the people buying Hondas would be buying Fords again if we nuked Tokyo? I have asked many generals and 14 economists named Kevin that question, and none of them can give me an answer. I take that to mean it’s a great idea. Even if we’re not going to bomb Japan, it’s time they started paying their NATO dues. I have been told by many people that Japan has never paid their NATO dues. These are our allies?
“Crooked Hillary supported NAFTA, which contains many secret provisions, including one that gives vampires a blanket invitation into all Americans’ homes. Used to have to trick you into asking them inside. Now, thanks to Crooked Hillary and her husband Bill, vampires can come and go from your house as they please. Just like Mexicans! Coming, going, eating virgins. Many Mexicans are rapists, but now we have to also assume that most are vampires. You stab a Mexican in the heart with a stake? Dead. Vampire!
“In closing, I have great plans and Crooked Hillary wants to tie you to a cactus and hit you with a stick. Not a metaphor. Said that in a speech the other day, I have seen the video. Ivanka came up with some great stuff, and Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties, translated it into one of the 11 languages she speaks. I got a great team. Believe me. Let’s make America great again!”