“Great, yes, great. Wonderful. The biggest general assembly in many, many years. I’ve got generals. John? Where’s John Kelly? He’s my general, great general, very tall and strong, great hire by me. John, where are you?”
TALL MAN IN AUDIENCE DEALING WITH SHAME AND IGNOMINY NOISE
“John? He’s somewhere, he’s great, the best general. I yell for him and he assembles. No one assembles like my generals.
“It’s great to be here in New York City, whose mayor is a real creep, to address you on behalf of all the people who voted for me, but not the losers and haters and all the fake news people who are very disgusting. You got fake news where you’re from? Hey, black guy. You got fake news wherever you’re from?”
“Yeah, yeah, black guy, inner cities, terrible, carnage. You.”
“I don’t understand what you’re–”
“What does your little sign say? Botswana? Is that a real place?”
“I knew that. Many people are unaware of Botswana, but it’s doing really, really, really beautiful things right now. Good job. Hurricane hit you?”
“Of course the hurricane–”
“Probably millions dead in Bobwanna. So very sad. I pledge a billion dollars to help. We’ll get right on the details, but everyone is going to be very happy, even the millions dead. Sad, but I’m a hero.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I come to you at a time of American prosperity because of me and my election, which was the greatest electoral victory of all time. The stock market just hit 45,000. Hillary wanted to bomb Wall Street. An actual bomb, believe me! Maybe she kept some of the uranium she personally delivered to Russia, which is not a thing. No Russia, no Russia.
“We are so powerful. Not all of us. Us. Not you. America has to come first because we’re the best country with the best president. Know who’s not a god president? Rocket Man. Hey, Bobwanna–”
“–you guys know the Rocket Man? You got stereos there or still with the huts?”
“We are a modern–”
“Packed my bags pre-flight. Zeeba deeba dobba doo. You know that song? Elton John. Mike Pence is a big fan. Where’s Mike? Mike? Where’s Mike? Stand up, Mike.”
SLIM MAN TRYING TO MAINTAIN LEGAL AND POLITICAL DISTANCE NOISE
“Mike? He’s here, he’s great. Eats the same lunch every day. Tuna sandwich. Mike? He’s around here.
“Anyway, Rocket Man might make me kill everyone in North Korea. I don’t want to. I wish I didn’t have to, but I’m the president of the US, which makes me the president of the UN. Truman snuck that into the charter. Tucker Carlson did a whole thing on it. I don’t know about desegregating the Army, but the charter thing was good. Many people don’t know this about Truman. Better than Roosevelt. I said it, I said it. Why didn’t Roosevelt drop the bomb on Japan years earlier? Roosevelt didn’t stand up for America. Couldn’t. You know, legs. I probably have the most powerful legs of any president. Standing broad jump champ of New York City as a teenager, all the boroughs.
“I will send Rocket Man on the highway to hell, where he will get no satisfaction. That’s all rock and roll, Bob Wanna.”
“Botswana. And it’s not my name, you–”
“I was gonna call him Fatty Squintsalot, but Ivanka said to me, she said, ‘Daddy, don’t do that. Don’t be mean, Daddy.’ How could I say no? So, I was nice. I didn’t call him Fatty Squintsalot. I was very nice.
“Rocket Man is going down. No one respects him. Everyone makes fun of how he looks. Country’s a shithole. I have to say it: shithole. Almost as bad as the UN Building. Very poorly constructed. Reminds me of the White House. Not a four-star destination. No clubhouse. Are there any tennis courts at all? I haven’t seen any. How do you build a place with no tennis courts?
“Where’s Iran? We’re gonna maybe bomb them, too, maybe, we’ll see. I’ll tell you in two weeks. Where’s Iran? You, are you Iran?”
“Iraq. You already bombed us.”
“Keep it up and you’ll get more. Iran? Where’s Iran? You?”
“We’re Ireland, y’ fookin’ eejit.”
“I got the right row. Iran? Show yourself, Iran, or I come up with a nickname for you, too.”
PERSIAN SLUMPING IN SEAT NOISE
“They’re around here somewhere. Probably committing Radical Islamic Terrorism. I’m gonna say it again to make up for Obama, who never said it because he was very weak and half-black. Radical Islamic Terrorism. One more time, and I’m gonna do my hand gesture really, really hard.
TRUMP HAND GESTURE NOISE
TRUMP HAND GESTURE NOISE
TRUMP HAND GESTURE NOISE (X 2)
“However you say ‘hombres’ in Iranian, they’re bad ones.
“Okay, so you need to make your countries great again, just like America is great again because I made it great. I only wish that I could be president of all your countries so I could make them all great myself. God bless America and wherever you live to, except Iran and North Korea, who I’m going to bomb, maybe, we’ll see.
“All right, great.”