“All right, yes. Great. Look at you. Lotta people, biggest crowds. They won’t show it! The unfair media, which is very unfair to me. Someone just told me there were 450,000 people in this hall. Wow. What’s Hillary got? Did you see her? Last speech? Six people. Yeah. Six people, believe me, and two were dogs. Four people and two dogs, I guess, to be specific. Not even good dogs. Very bad dogs. Remember Buddy? Hillary had a dog, Buddy? Hillary ate Buddy. Like she was Oriental.

“I have had a great week, Pennsylvania! The best week. Won the debate, and exposed the corrupt and disgusting media for being corrupt and disgusting. CNN, which has no ratings, none at all, says I did bad. They don’t show the many polls from Reddit that say I won. Twitter says I won. Sean Hannity, who no one will call, says I won the debate. Crooked Hillary called me and told me I won. She conceded the debate. That’s true! I wasn’t going to say that because I thought it wouldn’t be nice, and I just want to be nice, even though Hillary made her daughter Chelsea watch while she killed and ate Buddy.

“Can’t try her! Not in court, Crooked Hillary owns the courts, we know this. Everybody knows this. There are people who have done 10% of what this woman has done, and they’ve been executed. But you can’t try her because everyone has immunity. Immunity! You get immunity, and you get immunity! It’s like on Oprah, who is very boring on television and sometimes very fat, but also tremendously rich and successful. Heard she had an affair with Bill. Did Sex-Crazed Hillary, who is a pervert, join in? Why wouldn’t she?

“So this Lester Holt, who is the worst, is the worst. He should be in prison. The whole debate was rigged against me. Still won. Bad mic! I wasn’t going to say this because I wanted to be nice. Y’know what? I’m gonna say it: Hillary Clinton farted on my mic before the debate. I smelled it. Very distinctive. Sick old-lady fart. Smelled like Parkinson’s, if I’m honest, and I am the most honest person you’re ever gonna meet. Sick old-lady fart.

“And she’s got her points. Little checklist. This, that. Lie, wrong. She called me a racist! That means she called you racists. She calls Bernie supporters trash people. That was the phrase! I heard it, the tape, that’s what she said, believe me. Trash people! This Miss Universe, I can’t believe we’re still talking about this. She got fat! What am I gonna do? She got fat! There’s no way around it. She got fat! My hands were tied. Y’know, you have to ask yourself: was Senorita Universe a Clinton plant from the beginning? Did she win and then get fat on purpose? Very devious people we’re dealing with, folks! Crooked Hillary is very devious and cunning, but also the most incompetent person I’ve ever met. Both those things.

“Every day there are lies about me in the very dishonest media. The New York Times, which is failing, broke into Trump Tower and stole forged documents from my office. I have the surveillance tape, but you can’t see it because I’m under IRS audit. What they printed was a lie, based on fraudulent documents, that Punch Sulzberger heisted from my office safe Ocean’s 11-style. I have always paid my legal obligation of taxes, but if I didn’t, that would make me smart.

“I said this at the debate, which I won. I will release my tax returns when she releases the 33,000 e-mails that she destroyed. When we see the e-mails she destroyed with acid and hammers, then she can see my tax returns. Also, I want to see her birth certificate. Where was Foreign Hillary born? She says Chicago, but we don’t know. Every time I hear about Chicago, it’s about the gun violence that plagues the blacks. Hillary is not a black, so maybe she’s not from Chicago! Or maybe Hillary Clinton is a black? Either way, she ate Buddy the dog.

“She wants to set your aunts and uncles on fire. I want to bring back jobs. Hillary wants to break your feet, and then chase you with horses. Horses! I don’t want to do that. My company did not become the most successful company in the world because I chased people with horses. She wants to sell our homosexuals to the Saudis. I want to let my vice-president decide about the homosexuals. She is not fit to lead the country. She won’t make America great again. I’ll make America great again.”