Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Transcript Of Donald Trump’s Press Conference With Colombian President Juan Santos, 5/18/17

“Thank you, yes, great, the best. It’s a pleasure to welcome El Presidente Guacamole or whatever to the White House, which is where I live because I’m the president. Guacamole is from Colombia. Hey, I live in the District of Columbia now, sometimes. How about that? Anyway, the whole country is a drug pit full of bad hombres. The worst hombres you’ve ever seen. Together, we must confront the danger of cocaine by using attack helicopters. Later, Attorney General Sessions is gonna announce that we’re putting everyone who ever did cocaine in jail for the rest of their lives. We’re gonna make Colombia pay for it. Great deal.

“We have ICE, which stands for something. Tremendous guys over there, just tremendous. MS-13 is here. Horrible, horrible, large gang. Mexican, but also probably some Colombians. Mexican enough. They come into our schools with bombs and cocaine and they rape. They rape. El Presidente, they rape.”

“Si, rape.”

“This guy gets it. We also discussed Valenzuela. Terrible, terrible thing going on down there in Valenzuela. Is Hillary Clinton in charge down there? That’s how bad it is! Our hemisphere is the best, everyone knows this, even all the other hemispheres. And in this hemisphere, we all want to be free. Very important, freedom. Not to mention the humanitarian, which is awful. What’s going on right now in Valenzuela as far as the humanitarian? Maybe the worst ever. Maybe ever.

“We had meetings, me and El Presidente. He assured me on three separate occasions that I was not under investigation, and I thanked him for that. Good guy, even though I’m having ICE tackle him in about ten minutes.”


“Okay, yeah, questions? You the fat one.”

“Thank you, sir. Mr. President, I’d like to get your reaction to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s decision to appoint a special counsel to investigate the Russian interference in the campaign.  Was this the right move, or is this part of a ‘witch hunt?'”

“That’s my phrase. I made that up, witch hunt.”

“I don’t know about that, sir.”

“There might be no one alive who has made up as many really, really great phrases as me. ‘Bought the farm.’ I did that, everyone agrees.”

“Sir, please concentrate.”

“Why haven’t Hillary Clinton, who shot someone just the other night, and Barack Obama, who is a black, been court-martialed yet?”


“This is a witch hunt. Never in the history of America has there been a bigger witch hunt. A lot of it is jealousy. The Democrats are very, very jealous and they cry and they lash out. They’re violent people, the left, very violent. And the press takes shots at me, too. No president has ever had this many shots taken at him. Okay, next question. Peter. No Russia, no Russia, no Russia.”

“A question about Russia, sir.”

“Dammit. No Russia. And if there was Russia, then it would be legal for me to do. The president can do it because he’s the president and I’m the president.”

“Sir, did you ask James Comey to abandon the investigation into your campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia?”

“No. Next question, Amber.”

“Same question as Peter.”

“No. Next question. Franklin.”

“Same question as Amber.”

“No. Old-fashioned car horn.”


“There’s no Russia. How could I ask James Comey, who I am taller than, to drop an investigation that doesn’t exist because Russia doesn’t exist? This is all the press, who are liars and should be impaled with sticks, trying to lie and failing because they are all failing very, very bigly. They want to divide the country. I am trying to bring people together, which is why I’m building a wall to keep people out. It’s all gonna be so great, but first we have to get over this fake news and this Russia nonsense.

“Comey comes out for that hearing, and is so, so, so poor. Just very poor. Not a solid performance, and everyone hates him and many people have told me he is illiterate. So those can’t be his memos. Fake memos! My tapes are real, though. Brian?”

“Sir, did you just admit to having tapes of your conversation with James Comey?”

“No tapes, but they’re real. No tapes. Real tapes, but no tapes. Our FBI is the best FBI in the whole world. Even criminals say this, everybody says this. I cherish them. I take the FBI, I hold them to my bosom. And Comey was weak. Embarrassed the agency during the Clinton campaign, and my much more successful campaign. Look at this map:


“Red is Trump. I’m the red, see all the red? That’s me. Hillary? Blue. Not a lot of blue. This means I have a sacred duty to the FBI to uphold its sanctity. The FBI is so beautiful. So pure. I have been to many, many countries but our FBI is the absolute best. They deserve a leader who isn’t very, very weak. The Deputy AG came out with a letter that was very, very strong, but I ignored it and fired him because I wanted him to stop with all the Russia.

“Next question. Marcus.”

“Mr. President., this week–”

“Swear your loyalty to me.”

“–it was…what?”

“Swear it!”

“No, sir. This week it was revealed that Michael Flynn directly interfered with a military operation involving a country for whom he had been working as an unlicensed contractor.”



“Michal Flynn. Great guy. You will never find a better man. Well, me, but other than that: Mike. Just a terrific, terrific, great guy. Knows the family. Been to Mar-A-Lago many times, and always gave me the nicest compliments about it. I’ll tell you this: Mike Flynn knows football better than anyone you’ve ever met. He could be the head coach of an NFL team today. Today, believe me. Just an outstanding guy, and very, very, very loyal to me, which I appreciate.”

“And as to the ties to other countries?”

“Mike is a very friendly guy. Lots of people want to be his friend. I understand it. It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine, sir.”

“It’s fine. Next question. Terrance?”

“It’s totally not fine.”

“It’s fine. Siobhan?”

“As you look back over the past six months or year, have you had any recollection where you’ve wondered if anything you have done has been something that might be worthy of criminal charges in these investigations or impeachment, as some on the left are implying?”

“I’m doing the best job. No other president has had the first 100 days that I’ve had. Everyone thinks so. Jobs are coming back. The stock market is through the roof except for the days when Hillary fixes it like she fixed the Democratic primaries. No expected me to win, and now everyone is saying what a great job I’m doing. Obamacare is about to collapse, and what we’re gonna have is gonna be the best health care and everyone will be happy.

“Business owners say to me, ‘Stop making America great so fast, Mr. President.’ Our businesses are now growing so fast that they can’t add enough workers. Everyone has a job now, the best job. The military is very strong, and I’m gonna cut taxes. No one will have taxes and the biggest military in the world, and there’s no collusion. Even the Russians, who I colluded with, have said there’s no collusion.

“Thank you, great, okay”


  1. That was actually more coherent than what that old fool was spinning yesterday at the podium. Between that & the Coast Guard commencement, I am not sure what to make of what’s going on anymore. I don’t think drugs would even help.

    MAY 19, 2017

    President Donald Trump told Russian diplomats last week his firing of “nut job” James Comey had eased the pressure on him, even as the FBI’s Trump-Russia investigation had moved into the White House, according to reports Friday that pursued the president as he began his maiden foreign trip.

    White House hopes that Trump could leave scandalous allegations at home were crushed in a one-two punch of revelations that landed shortly after his departure. A Washington Post report, citing anonymous sources familiar with the matter, said a senior Trump adviser is now considered a “person of interest” in the law enforcement investigation into whether Trump’s campaign associates co-ordinated with Russia in an effort to sway the 2016 election.

    And The New York Times reported that the president had told Russian officials he felt the dismissal of his FBI director had relieved “great pressure” on him. The White House has said the firing was unrelated to the FBI’s Russia investigation.

    Read more: Domestic scandals loom over Trump as he makes first trip abroad

    Read more: Will Trump be shown the door? Breaking down what impeachment would mean

    Late Friday, the Senate intelligence committee announced that Comey had agreed to testify at an open hearing at an undetermined date after Memorial Day.

    Comey will certainly be asked about encounters that precipitated his firing, including a January dinner in which, Comey has told associates, Trump asked for his loyalty. In the Oval Office weeks later, Comey told associates, the president asked him to shut down an investigation into former national security adviser Michael Flynn.

    Comey is known to produce memos documenting especially sensitive or unsettling encounters, such as after the February meeting.

    Comey turned down an invitation to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

    The new headlines were a fresh indication that Trump would not be able to change the subject from what appears to be an intensifying investigation reaching toward the president and his inner circle.

    The White House repeated its assertion that a “thorough investigation will confirm that there was no collusion between the campaign and any foreign entity.”

    It did not deny the Times report that Trump was critical of Comey to the Russians the day after he fired him.

    The Times reported Trump noted the Russia investigation as he told Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Ambassador to the U.S. Sergey Kislyak of his decision to fire Comey.

    “I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy, a real nut job,” the Times reported that Trump said during the May 10 meeting. “I faced great pressure because of Russia. That’s taken off.”

    White House spokesman Sean Spicer called the president’s rhetoric part of his deal-making.

    “By grandstanding and politicizing the investigation into Russia’s actions, James Comey created unnecessary pressure on our ability to engage and negotiate with Russia,” Spicer said. “The investigation would have always continued, and obviously the termination of Comey would not have ended it. Once again, the real story is that our national security has been undermined by the leaking of private and highly classified conversations.”

    As for the separate report of a “person of interest” under investigation, the Post said the senior White House adviser “under scrutiny” is someone close to the president but did not name the person.

    Among Trump’s senior White House advisers are several former campaign officials, including his son-in-law Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller and Kellyanne Conway. In March, Kushner volunteered to answer lawmakers’ questions about meetings he had with Russian officials during the transition.

    A spokeswoman for House Speaker Paul Ryan said he would not discuss information provided in classified briefings and said the House Oversight committee had already asked for documents related to Comey’s firing.

    Earlier this week, the Justice Department appointed former FBI Director Robert Mueller to take over the federal investigation in an effort to re-establish independence from the White House.

    Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein told Congress Friday he stands by a memo he wrote bluntly criticizing Comey. But he made clear it was not his intention for Trump or other White House officials to use the document to justify firing Comey, which is what they have done.

    In closed-door meetings with lawmakers on Thursday and Friday, Rosenstein said he wrote the memo after Trump told him one day before the May 9 firing that he wanted to dismiss Comey. Rosenstein said that though he was personally fond of Comey, “I thought it was appropriate to seek a new leader.”

    The Justice Department on Friday released the text of Rosenstein’s opening remarks for the briefings on Capitol Hill.

    Trump has said he plans to nominate a new FBI director soon, but there was no announcement Friday.

    The appointment of Mueller as special counsel has drawn generally favourable comments from Democrats and from some Republicans as well. But lawmakers at both congressional sessions expressed frustration that Rosenstein would say little in answer to their questions about his actions — or others’ — before Comey’s firing.

    “There was considerable frustration in the room,” said Rep. Seth Moulton, D-Mass., a member of the Armed Services Committee. “This renewed my confidence that we should not have confidence in this administration. I don’t think (Rosenstein) did a lot to bolster our confidence in him today.”

    The White House has struggled since Comey’s firing to explain the chain of events that led to it and the Justice Department’s involvement in that decision. Trump has insisted at times that the decision was his alone, but he also has pointed to the “very strong” recommendation from Rosenstein.

    Rosenstein made it clear to the lawmakers that he drafted his memo only after Trump told him of his plans to dismiss the FBI director. “My memorandum is not a statement of reasons to justify a for-cause termination,” he said. But he added, “I wrote it. I believe it. I stand by it.”

    The memo focused on Comey’s handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation, particularly the FBI director’s decision to divulge details to the public at various junctures during her presidential campaign against Trump. Rosenstein denounced that decision as “profoundly wrong and unfair.”

    Trump has reacted furiously to the appointment of a special counsel, a prosecutor with wide authority to investigate Russia’s interference and other potential crimes uncovered. However, at a combative news conference Thursday, he fell short in trying to resolve questions about investigations into his campaign and his first four months in office.

    Asked point-blank if he’d done anything that might merit prosecution or even impeachment, Trump said no — and then added of the lingering allegations and questions: “I think it’s totally ridiculous. Everybody thinks so.”

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