“All right, here we go, get the fuck out of my way, Chachi.”


“Okay, okay, great. Wonderful applause for me, just wonderful. Gotta be honest: Brussels is a shithole. Dumpy! Like the whole city’s got a fat ass. Not a major city, and no major buildings. What’s even the point? Jean-Claude Van Damme, who I have beaten in fights many times, is from Brussels. Doesn’t live here now. I think that says something. Great guy, Jean-Claude. Thinking about making him my new Homeland Security director.

“And now we pray for Manchester.”

“Tremendous moment of silence there. Very, very silent and good. Didn’t hear that kind of silence when Obama, who is wiretapping this ceremony as we speak, asked for a moment of silence. Many, many people died horribly in Manchester. Not as many as 9/11, though. Americans will not stand being number two in anything.

“Terrorists are losers, evil losers, everybody knows this. Probably voted for Hillary, and maybe shot Seth Rich at her orders. Sean Hannity knows all about this, but still no one is calling him. We need to find these losers and kill them very, very harshly. Maybe their families. That’s detail stuff, and I leave it to the generals. I got the best generals you’ve ever seen. All of them are very tall. Tremendous looking bunch of men. I got a black general, I got a Mexican general, but he’s legal. Wonderful generals.

“I have just been to Israel and also the Middle East. Great. Hot, but great. Brussels isn’t as hot as Saudi Arabia, but there’s no glowing orbs. Strike two, Brussels. Weak town, gotta say. Maybe the terrorists come here next? Hope not, but maybe. We need to stop them by being strong. How do we be strong? Through toughness. Vigilance is also important, but not like strength. In a lot of way, it’s like arm wrestling. The people of America, except for the losers and haters, overwhelmingly elected me to be their arm wrestler. Overwhelmingly, biggest victory ever, which means I’m pretty much the Super-President. Here, look:”


“All the red is me. More red than anyone’s ever seen. For all intents and purposes, I was elected unanimously to kill all the terrorists and also Obamacare. A disaster. Worse than Manchester. No offense, Theresa, but you know I’m right. I am! Horrible, horrible deal for the American people, who all voted for me.

“NATO is not much better. Just being honest, which is what I’m known for. Many people, including Al Franken, have talked about how truthful I am. I just can’t lie, it’s not in me. Franken’s a real putz, by the way. Just a real nothing guy. That Stuart Smalley movie didn’t do too well, and that was it for Al in Hollywood. Done. Rosie O’Donnell has more talent, even though she is very fat and disgusting. Y’know, Rosie’s a lot like NATO. Bloated. Useless. Lesbian. Spitting image!

“You know this phrase, ‘spitting image?’ I made it up.

“You are not living up to your financial obligations, NATO. Very unfair! What kind of organization doesn’t pay its bills, or only a small portion of what was agreed on? Terrible thing to do, terrible. Do it for a while, and reputable people stop doing business with you. That’s just life. That’s why Hillary isn’t the president and I am. She was very, very corrupt and also probably had Parkinson’s Disease.

“23 out of 28 member nations have not paid their dues. Bulgaria. Where’s Bulgaria? Raise your hand.”

“Where’s our money, Bulgaria? What’s your name?”

“I can’t pronounce that. You gotta pay us. Portugal, where are you?”

“Nice, a woman. Hello, sweetheart. Where’s our money?”

“Enough with the excuses. Pay us. Is everyone watching? Does everyone see how I’m doing it? This is how you do diplomacy. Simple!

“In conclusion, NATO owes me two billion dollars, and I’ll let you in on a secret. Vladimir Putin, who I have never spoken with, called me yesterday and offered to match what you owed if America joined his side. Listen, we’ve got a lot of history, but a deal’s a deal. All right. No more terrorism, and give us our money, and I’m the president. Great, okay.”