“Thank you, Reno! I don’t know why people say such terrible things about you! Nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Good for you, Reno!
“I was going to talk about small businesses, and our plans to help entrepreneurs start companies. I’m excited about our policy positions, and I wanted to tell you about them, but I feel the time has come to address the unqualified, incompetent, racist elephant in the room.
“There is an old Chilean proverb: Donald Trump is a racist asshole. They say it in Spanish. I should’ve asked Tim Kaine to translate that for me. Honestly, I wanted to give that small business speech, but I had to do this. I’m pretty much winging it. Of course, my version of winging it. Speech went through five drafts and two test readings. That’s spontaneous for me.
“How long do you give someone the befit of the doubt? No one wants to call someone a bigot. No one wants to call someone a racist, but with Trump’s new campaign manager hire, I need to call a spade a spade. And, yes: I recognize the irony in using that phrase to call someone a racist. Trump has burned a cross the Rubicon, and we as Americans must stand up and say, ‘Get behind me, Orange Satan.’
“I will make no accusation in this speech, nor offer opinion. All I’m going to do is quote his words, and describe his actions. Ready? Trigger warning. Here we go:
“At the beginning of his career, Trump was sued by the Justice Department for refusing to rent to blacks and latinos. It was also alleged that Trump had instructed the doormen at the buildings to tackle Asians who walked by.
“In his failed casinos, Trump was repeatedly fined for not employing black dealers, and for firing black waitresses. Also, in his casinos the game was just called ‘jack.’
“I suppose Trump probably told some jokes about the illegal Polish workers who built Trump Tower he tried to screw over, but that’s more of a fact for the upcoming speech on his mob ties. Y’know: Donny talks non-stop about how unfair the media is to him, but I don’t see crap about the man’s mob ties anywhere. Anyway: this is the speech on his racism, not his mob ties.
“Go back and read that last line, and think about who I am, and who I said it about, and what’s happening here. Get a chill up your spine? Yeah, me too. Okay, let’s get back to the racism speech. Mob ties is next week, crappy businessman week after. Plus my surrogates are going to be hammering him about the things he’s said about women. I can’t bring up the women thing. Thanks, Bill. Okay: back to it.
“For the past eight years–and to this very day–Trump has been one of the loudest, braying voices in the so-called Birther movement, which holds that President Obama was born on Krypton to Darth Vader. Something like that, or equally stupid. I can’t even believe we’re talking about this, to be honest.
“Okay, fast forward to this year and he comes down the escalator and the very first thing out of his mouth–the very first thing–was that Mexicans are rapists. It was like he was waiting all day for his chance. The applause had barely died down.
“In the following days, he not only doubled-down on his remarks, but also slapped Charo in the face. That was uncalled-for: the woman’s a treasure of several nations.
“Then he accused a judge of being unable to do his job because, and I quote, ‘He’s a Mexican.’ After the initial statement, Trump imitated the judge for several minutes in a very insulting voice, even going so far as to produce a fake mustache and sombrero. I have no idea where he got them from; it was weird.
“And his Twitter account. Again I’m going to say out loud and in public that I cannot believe this is reality and I have to be addressing this. But his Twitter account.
“Let’s put aside the larger issue that his agrammatical, anger-filled online tantrums taken as a whole should preclude him from ever taking office, that they are the 140-character spittings of a lonely cretin, that he’s gotten into multiple twitter-beefs with Rosie O’Donnell. Let’s look at specifics.
“Trump has retweeted accounts with names such as “JewOven88” and “(((HITLER)))” and “JewsKilledHarambe.” He has also shared 10 tweets from “Raper_of_Moms.” That’s just awful. I mean: once is a mistake, maybe. Your finger slips, a glitch in the code, something, anything. But it’s every day with this bullshit from this fucking guy.
“I apologize for my language. But–and, you know: hate to keep bringing it up–my mind is having trouble processing the reality of the situation. That this…this…okay: if a snake were made from shit? What came out of the shit-snake’s fangs, the shit-venom? That’s Trump. None of this can be called an accident anymore. None of this is happening to him. He did this to himself, and we can’t let him do it to us.
“His latest campaign manager–and he’s had nine so far–is from Breitbart, which is a PCP addict’s version of a news site. Let me read a few recent headlines to you. ‘Blacks Should Thank us for Slavery,’ ‘The Case for Nuking Mecca,’ and ‘Giving Women the Right to Vote Made Them Whores.’ Lovely. Here’s one from an article about me: ‘Fuck That Cunt.’ Gets right to the point, doesn’t it?
“Okay, I’m gonna wrap it up: I’ve got two press conferences to not give tomorrow, and then three to not give the day after. Like I said, the mob ties speech is next week, and then the crappy businessman one. Oh! Putin! Right! I forgot about that, and now let’s all take a second to think about what I just said: the fact that Donald Trump is in Putin’s pocket slipped my mind because of all the other things that make him unelectable. But let’s not think about it for more than a second, because if you do, you’ll be terrified.
“So now jackass gets on his phone and tweets about how I have AIDS or something, and that I’m the racist for pointing out his racism, or that someone should shoot me. Dammit! I forgot about the time he said someone should shoot me. Anyway, he’s gonna tweet about this. Watch. He can’t help himself.
“Listen, I am the farthest thing from perfect. But this guy? This fucking guy? You gotta be kidding me with this guy.
“God bless America.