“Everyone sit down. Can everyone sit down so we can start the briefing?”

“Sean, where are the chairs?”

“Funding for reporters’ chairs has been cut out of the new budget.”

“The budget’s just a proposal, Sean.”

“President Trump is so sure of its success, that we wanted to get a head start on it. Sit on the ground, Jon.”

“I’m not sitting on the ground.”

“Phil from the Daily Stormer is sitting on the ground.”

“Good for Phil.”

“Jon, can I start? Can I start the briefing? You have all told so many lies that I have to straighten out. I’m going to read a prepared statement, and then I will allow you to start asking questions that I will interrupt.

“Ahem.

“There’s no Russia. No Russia. The New York Times, which should be called the failing, lying New York Times because all it does is fail and lie, said on January 12th that Obama had wiretapped the glamorous and valuable Trump Tower, which is the world’s tallest building.

“On January 23rd, Michael Savage broke the news that Obama, who is the devil, was hiding in a Trump Tower closet listening to my phone calls. Sean Hannity backs up this claim, which is not a claim. Fact. Real fact, not a fake fact. On February 11th, Russia Today ran a story revealing that Obama was a telepath and was reading my mind. Like the bald guy in the wheelchair.

“All of these facts have been reported by reputable sources, and all the corrupt media does is push a fake narrative because they are the enemies of the American people and should be followed to their homes and murdered in front of their families.

“Ahem.

“Any questions? Aaron?”

“Sean–”

“Aaron, that’s ridiculous. It’s not about Russia.”

“You cut me off.”

“That’s because it’s not about Russia.”

“I wasn’t going to ask about Russia.”

“There’s nothing to ask about.”

“Sean, the co-chairs of the House Intelligence Committee were briefed by the FBI and afterwards said, and I quote, that ‘there was no evidence to support the claim that President Obama was behind any wiretapping.”

“Who you gonna believe, the FBI or Sean Hannity?”

“Really?”

“The thing about their statement is that, of course, you’re cherry picking and emphasizing parts to fit your narrative. They said they had seen no evidence, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t see any elephants in this room; they must not exist.”

“That’s absurd.”

“The fact remains: no one can prove Obama wasn’t wiretapping Trump Tower.”

“That’s because you can’t prove a negative.”

“Excatly! Next question? Katie?”

“Sean, in the statement you read that the president clearly wrote–”

“The president did not write that statement.”

“It sounded like him.”

“We should all try to sound more like President Trump. That’s the best way to sound.”

“Sean.”

“Strong.”

“Sean.”

“Masculine and brave.”

“I’m just gonna bull ahead. Sean, the statement referred to the New York Times as both a source, and as fake news. Which is it?”

“The New York Times exists in a superpositional state until the president reads it and decided whether or not it is a lie. It’s like Schrödinger’s newspaper.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Quantum physics rarely does.”

“Getting back to my question: in the Times article, they make no mention of wiretapping.”

“Neither did the president.”

“What?”

“The president did not accuse the former president of wiretapping him. He accused him of ‘wiretapping’ him. Means something entirely different.”

“What?”

“You know…wiiiiiiiretapping.”

“Why are you shimmying when you say that, Sean?”

“Wiiiiiiiiiretapping.”

“I don’t understand what’s happening.”

“It’s a guy thing, Katie. Hey, let’s go down to the bar and do some wiiiiiiiiretapping.”

“That’s not a guy thing, Sean.”

“Yeah, it’s not a thing at all.”

“Shut up, Jon, Aaron. Katie, if you’ll look at the president’s tweets, he clearly put quote marks around the word wiretapping.”

“He sent out four tweets. In two, he used quotation marks. The other two did not have the punctuation.”

“There’s a good possibility that Obama also hacked President Trump’s Twitter account.”

“There’s no possibility of that.”

“False flag!”

“Sean?”

“Yes, Glenn?”

“I want to get back to the House.”

“I want to go back to my house, too.”

The House, Sean. The Intelligence Committee received their briefing today. Has the President asked for the same briefing?”

“No.”

“Has the President directed the FBI and Justice Department to begin an investigation into the matter?”

“No.”

“Has he consulted with anyone besides Sean Hannity?”

“Very cute, Glenn. You cherry-pick one name–”

“You brought Sean Hannity into this.”

“–and just use the one name to try to discredit the President and destroy America. This country could use a lot more Sean Hannitys. Like, six more. At least.”

“Sean, are you saying that the President believes that former President Obama bugged his offices, and has not sought out one single person who might be capable of finding out whether or not it’s true?”

“President Trump relies on multiple sources of information.”

“Are any of them reputable?”

“Mark Levin really knows what he’s talking about. Jim?”

“Sean, if the President is proven wrong, will he apologize?”

“Well, I don’t know–”

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT NOISE

“Excuse me.”

“Could you repeat the question?”

“If the President is proven wrong, will he apologize?”

“Obama will say sorry to Trump! Wiretapping me for years! Wrong and sick!”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“That’s it for today, folks.”