Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Transcript Of Tomorrow’s White House Press Conference…Today!

“All right, everyone, settle down. Settle down. Jim Acosta, stop taking selfies and have a seat. Y’all should be happy. We’re doin’ this one on camera.”

“Yeah, but Sarah: you’re standing behind a curtain.”

“This is how this works from now on. Jus’ lay back an’ accept it, sugar.  Ah got me a monitor back here, so Ah c’n see you. Haberman, stop pickin’ your nose.”

“I was not picking my nose.”

“You was knuckle-deep up in there.”

“Not true.”

“Before we get started, Ah have a prepared statement that was not written by me which Ah will read but did not write. Okay, then.

“Ahem.

“The fake, failing New York is fake and failing. James Comey, who is probably a murderer, is an illegal leaker and his wife is a dog. Disgusting family, just horrible and I hear he’s a bad tipper from many, many people.

“The G20 meeting was so beautiful. Angela Merkel told me that Germany would pay for the wall, and I will visit France very, very soon and it will be so wonderful. Why don’t they put some condos in the Eiffel Tower? Just sits there empty! Dumb!

“No Russia, no Russia.

“Ahem.

“Ah will now take questions, and by that Ah do not mean ‘answer questions,’ but Ah will sure as shootin’ take ’em. Major?”

“Yes, Sarah, my question is about the meeting between Donald Trump, Jr., and a Russian operative in Trump Tower last June. He was apparently told in advance that the meeting was regarding information about the Clinton campaign.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Any comment?”

“You’ll have to direct that question to my lawyer.”

“Wait, the Press Secretary has a lawyer now?”

“The White House now has more lawyers than staffers. We’re thinking about building a new parking lot. Jonathan?”

“The other day, the President tweeted out that the United States would partner with Russia to create a cybersecurity task force, and then 12 hours later called it off. What was that all about?”

“Well, y’ever accept dinner plans, an’ then later you’re all ‘Ugh, Ah don’ wanna go’ an’ you call back an’ cancel? It’s like that.”

“What?”

“President Trump has so much on his plate. He just negotiated a ceasefire in Syria an’ saved so many beautiful babies, but none o’ y’all are talkin’ about that!”

PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Oops. War in Syria’s back on. Win some, lose some. April?”

“Sarah, the White House has consistently and strenuously denied that there were any meetings between the campaign and the Russians, but now it turns out that there was at least one. Were there any more?”

“There was no collusion.”

“That wasn’t the question I asked.”

“No sandwiches were served at the meeting.”

“Again: I did not ask that.”

“Red Sox 7, Angels 2.”

“I wasn’t–”

“Wonderful practicin’ democracy with you. Matthew?”

“Was President Trump aware of the meeting?”

“Absolutely not.”

PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Sarah, the president just tweeted–and I quote–I set up the meeting with my idiot son so we could be friends with Russia and start adopting their beautiful babies again! Democrats hate babies! Any comment?”

“Maggie Haberman is picking her nose again. Everybody look at her.”

“I am not!”

“Sarah?”

“Sarah?”

“Thrush, go look behind the curtain.”

“Fuck you, nosepicker. You do it.”

“Oh, fine.”

“Holy shit, there’s a trap door.”

1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    July 11, 2017 at 9:38 am

    I can see it now – “Wow – we are really going to sound dumb tomorrow! We had better fix it before we do it.”.

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