Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To




“John Mayer.”

“Are you not answering the phone in wacky ways any more?”


“Where are you, John? I have been in Las Vegas for almost 24 hours.”

“I’m aware. You’ve been in four different places, and every time I go to one, you’ve just left. Then you call me and yell at me like it’s my fault.”

“I must keep moving, John!”


“Britney’s coming for me!”


“People forget: she is pure backwoods. She has swamp-fighter blood, John. All the world is a Wal-Mart parking lot to those types. I feared for my life!”

“You really shouldn’t.”

“I wanted to stop running, but I needed a way to protect myself, John. I needed a defensible position, you see.”

“What did you do, and where are you?”


“I bought the Luxor, John. And I’m there, obviously.”


“Come over. I’ll comp you. Also, I’m an Egyptian god now.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, John. I live in a pyramid. All the Egyptian gods lived in a pyramid on the top of Mt. al-Impus. One of them had a hammer and he’s an Avenger now.”

“That’s all wrong, but I’m moving past it. Katy–”

“You will call me by my godly name!”

“Which is?”


“Stop that. Where did you get the money to buy the Luxor?”

“Well, it’s not the Wynn, John. Shabby kind of place.”


“Good bones, though.”

“Pyramid bones, John! Doctor Gary says it’s a place of power. John?”


“What’s a skim? Doctor Gary keeps talking about it. Is it a dance?”

“You need to keep him away from the vault. Or the count room. You shouldn’t let him on the premises at all, if we’re honest.”

“No, he’s turned a corner! He’s been helpful, John. Doctor Gary came up with a great idea to speed up room service. You know how the inside of the Luxor is open and the rooms are surrounding a big empty space?”


“Slingshots, John.”


“It works for sandwiches. Salads are proving trickier.”


“Something solid, though, like a lobster? ShhPROING fweeeeeeee PLOP. You got your lobster.”

“Rice pilaf had to be removed from the menu entirely.”

“Katy, you can’t hurl food at guests and you also can’t own a Las Vegas hotel.”

“Merv Griffin did.”

“Atlantic City.”

“Sinatra did.”


“John, stop correcting me. I am an Egyptian god. Look at my cat-people.”

“Are they from Felicidae IV, Throneworld to the Felis Empire?”



“I used my powers, John! My godly powers. I made the Nile overflow, and then I parted the waters.”

“Would have been easier to have not done anything at all, wouldn’t it?”

“Not the point! Also, I turned Big Ping Pong into a hippopotamus-person.”

“How does he feel about that?”



“I bought him a tusk-grill. He looks awesome, John. Fucks mad bitches, yo.”

“Okay, lemme just ask: what the hell are you on? What did Doctor Gary come up with now?”

“Well, John: Doctor Gary has recently been concocting chemicals in honor of our location. He says he got the idea from a guy from Texas.”


“There was a pill called the Howard Hughes. It made you paranoid.”

“Why would you want to take that?”

“Why would you ask me that? Are you with the Russians?”


“And a hypnootropic that Rain Manned you. Blackjack was sooooo much fun, but then someone touched me and I started shrieking.”

“Of course.”

“His latest is Ocean’s Eleven, John.”

“What is it?”

“Eleven things. It’s basically a Long Island iced tea of drugs.”

“Sure. Okay, so you’re at the Luxor? You’re gonna stay there for the twenty minutes it’s gonna take me to get there?”

“Yes, John. I cannot leave my pyramid, for it is where I draw my power from. Also because half of catering is out, and a fire alarm keeps going off for no reason, and I have three whales at the moment who are massive dickholes. It turns out owning a casino is hard work, John.”

“Yeah, they don’t exactly run themselves.”

“Come here, John. Where are you?”


“In front of books.”

“Are you posing for your senior picture, John?”

“Are we really never going to discuss why you can see me?”

“Egyptian god, John. I am powerful and sandy. As my people say: eyeball eyeball stork man eyeball snake.”

“I see what you did there.”

“Hearken unto me, John Mayer. Enter my pyramid.”

“On my way.”







“You no return call? Nuke go boom.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No kid. Illegal in Only Korea. We hang out or I start World War II.”


“I start both. No care no more. Used to be bro, Hot Dog Dick.”

“Dude, this is not the way to have a relationship with a person.”

“We hang out or nuke go boom.”

“Do you know where the Luxor hotel is?”

“Vegas, baby?”


“We go strip club. Maybe I still nuke. On way.”


“Why do you keep doing this to me?”

Personal amusement, and jealousy.

“At least you’re honest.”


1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 10, 2016 at 11:36 am

    I have no idea why KJO finds those “Yellow Dog” jokes so funny, but he does!

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