Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

True Love, Or Whatever



“Vote Hillary!”


“Oh, hey, John.”

“What’s with the Hillary?”

“Her campaign gave me a hundred grand to answer the phone that way.”

“Nice. What are you up to?”

katy perry shoe phone

“I’m having an odd day.”


“Do you remember Dr. Gary?”

“The disgraced Nobel laureate/rogue chemist you employed as your potion-master during your psychedelic journey?”

“You do exposition so well, John.”


“Anyway, remember that he died?”

“I remember that you ki–

“I DIDN’T ASK THAT. Do you remember that he died?”


“Not so much. We may have buried him alive. And then he might have dug himself free to get revenge.”


“Along the way he raped a bear.”


“Dr. Gary raped a bear, John.”

“Did you take too many sleeping pills while watching that Leonardo DiCaprio movie?”

“I feel like you’re not supporting me. Or the bear.”

“There was no bear, Katy.”

“Dr. Gary raped a bear, John.”

“No. No. That’s not a thing. If a person has sex with a bear, it is by definition consensual. If a bear doesn’t want a person to have sex with it, the bear will make that known. Can’t rape a bear.”

“Why are you a bear-rape apologist?”

“Katy, I cannot overstate my desire to stop talking about bear rape.”

“Okay, but long story short–”


“–Dr. Gary showed up.”

“At your house?”

“In my bathroom.”

“That’s not optimal.”

“I have a shit-ton of security: I have absolutely no idea how he did it. Also, all my security guards are in comas. Do you think Dr. Gary had something to do with that?”

“No. I don’t think he did.”

“Anyway, Dr. Gary forswore revenge. Wasn’t that sweet?”

“Very. How much that cost.”

“A lot. Gonna add some dates on the next tour. Do some private shows.”

“Sounds right.”

“He was very angry.”

“Almost can’t blame him.”

“But after I gave him the down payment, he was cool and we chilled and he has been working on new things and they are deep and magical. For two hours, I thought my arms were my legs, and vice versa. Couldn’t work my pants.”

“Wait: down payment?”

“Well, John, since I’m not the head of a drug cartel or the U.S. Mint, I didn’t have the full amount on hand.”


“If you kill a lunatic rogue chemist, you need to make sure he’s dead or it gets expensive.”

“Noted. So what are you on now?”

“You know that LSD is based on the ergot fungus, which grows on rye bread?”


“This is QE2, and it’s based off of a fungus that grows on pumpernickel bread. It’s a much darker and richer experience.”

“Katy, stop taking drugs brewed in your bathroom by mad scientists.”


“Fine, whatever.”

“Are you still madly in love with me? Are you still heart-broken?”



john mayer sweater deadandco

“Your words say happy, but your sweater says sad, John.”

“I like this sweater. It’s got a lightning bolt on it.”

“Yeah. And a cowl, like a superhero. You miss me so much.”

“Nope. Not at all. Been banging. Solo, bang, solo, bang. Little shopping. Back to the routine.”

“You want me back.”

“Just calling to say hi.”

“You loooooooove me.”


“THEN WHY ARE YOU CALLING? I’m dating an elf who punched Justin Bieber.”

“I heard it was the other way around.”

“Whichever. EXPLAIN YOUR CALL. Why do you want me back?”

“You’re the only one who calls me John.”

“I’ll have Dr. Gary toss something together. Be here in an hour.”


“Do not wear that.”





  1. Is the owsley and me book worth reading?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.