Some of these headlines are true, some of ’em aren’t: see if you can tell. (Obviously, you’ll be able to tell most of the time, but it’s still a fun premise.)

  • Russian judo champion shoots mugger in face.
  • South Korean pistol-shooter kills mugger with judo.
  • Water in Rio rivers and oceans so dirty that ingesting three teaspoons will ensure infection.
  • Brazilian teaspoons discovered to be poisonous.
  • Local gangs recruit and train spider monkeys, give them guns.
  • Australian athlete’s housing found to be constructed from nothing but Speedos and good intentions.
  • British swim team’s suits stolen
  • Jamaican hurdlers’ pants stolen.
  • Spanish fencers stolen. (They’ll turn up.)
  • Japanese gymnast racks up $5,000 bill playing Pokemon Go.
  • Olympic Village flooded.
  • Olympic Village on fire.
  • Olympic Village evacuated due to terrorist threat, Vietnamese pole vaulter’s room robbed.
  • IOC demands that no photos, GIFS, Vines, Snapchats, Instagram Moments, or Periscopes show the condition of the Village.
  • IOC constructs Faraday cage over Olympic Village in an attempt to control media, but of course it doesn’t work and is stolen immediately.
  • Australian swimmers are using snorkels. (In the pool. This one’s real, and let’s step outside the joke for a second and really think about this one. They’re in a pool. The YMCA can keep a pool clean, but the Rio Olympics have made it clear that dumping chlorine into a body of water is beyond their capabilities. My Uncle Arty had a pool when we were growing up, and he kept it clean. Maybe Rio should have called my Uncle Arty about this. What the fuck, Rio? I understood that your poverty and crime were problems that could not have been fully solved by the Olympics, but keeping the pool clean was doable. The Grateful Dead–in their wildest dreams–never approached levels of bush league like this.)
  • Finnish Horse jumpers are using snorkels. (That’s a sex thing, though.)
  • Canadian gymnastics coach robbed at knife point.
  • Trindadian trampolinist robbed at machete edge.
  • French kayaker hits submerged sofa, capsizes, eaten by piranha.
  • Tennis venue runs out of food at 11 am.
  • Velodrome runs out of food at 9am, and also they forgot to build the velodrome.
  • All the sailboats have been stolen, every single one.

Also there’s this:

BLOCK: He’s been shocked to find there is no coffee for athletes in the village apartment buildings or at the sports venues.

NEMR: I asked. They said we are only limited to Coca-Cola products. So…

BLOCK: You’re kidding me.

NEMR: No. Yeah, that’s what they told us in the venue. – NPR, 8/4/16

And now I feel even better about my boycott of this shitshow. Prisoners of fucking war get coffee. If you’re watching, then enjoy yourself, but I don’t want to any more.