Thoughts On The Dead

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Trump’s Lawyers Negotiate With The Special Counsel’s Office

As President Donald Trump’s reaction to special counsel Robert Mueller grows more irate by the day, attorneys on both sides sat down last week in a rare face-to-face discussion about the topics investigators could inquire of the President. It was the first in-person meeting after several weeks of informal discussions between the two sides, according to two sources familiar with the talks.

Mueller himself didn’t attend the meeting. But prosecutors including former Watergate prosecutor James Quarles III gave Trump’s lawyers enough detail that the President’s team wrote a memo with possible questions they expect to be asked of him. – CNN, 3/20/17

“Mr. Cobb.”

“Mr. Quarles.”

“I still can’t believe your name is Ty Cobb.”

“No one can. Did you have any trouble getting into the White House?”

“No, but I did notice a lot of people crying and fighting in the hallways.”

“The White House is a finely-tuned machine, Mr. Quarles. That’s normal for any workplace.”

“Stephen Miller is shooting up with his door open.”

“Finely-tuned machine. Shall we get to the point?”

“Yes. The Special Counsel’s Office has several fields of query in which we’d like to question the President.”

“We want to cooperate.”

“We’d like to ask him about his firing of James Comey.”

“We won’t cooperate with that.”

“Why not?”

“Just won’t.”

“That’s not a reason.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“‘Nuh-uh?’ That’s your legal argument? ‘Nuh-uh?'”

“I don’t know how to say it in Latin.”

“We’ll come back to James Comey. We have questions about Jeff Sessions’ meetings with Ambassador Kislyak.”

“Can you believe that guy’s still alive?”

“Shocker.”

“Right? And the President will not discuss Jeff Sessions’ meetings.”

“The reason being?”

“Executive Privilege.”

“Not how Executive Privilege works.”

“Doctor-patient confidentiality?”

“Stop that.”

“The President will under no circumstances take questions about any of AG Sessions’ meetings with Russians.”

“Wait. Meetings? Were there other meetings he had with Russians we don’t know about?”

“Nooooo.”

“Uh-huh. Mr. Cobb, let’s try this: what will your client discuss?”

“Oh, great. I have prepared a list. Let’s see: how about football?”

“What?”

“President Trump loves talking football.”

“That’s irrelevant to the investigation.”

“How about celebrity gossip?”

“Does the President enjoy celebrity gossip?”

“Very much so. Far more than you’d hope a Commander-In-Chief would, but that’s what makes him unique.”

“No gossip chat, thank you.”

“The next one I wrote down verbatim from the President.”

“Okay.”

“This isn’t my phrasing.”

“Gotcha.”

“We could talk pussy.”

“That sounds like him.”

“I assure you.”

“I believe you. But, uh, no. Let’s not discuss…whatever that would be.”

“The President gets remarkably graphic. He describes labia.”

“Didn’t need to know.”

DOOR OPENING NOISE

“General? Is my General here?”

“Mr. President, I’m in here with the attorney from the Special Counsel’s Office.”

“General?”

“Sir.”

“Hopester?”

“Sir, tilt your head slightly down.”

“I saw you there, Ty. I’m the best at seeing people where they are. Ty, I’m about to send out another tweet, and many people think that my tweets were what got me into the White House. All the losers say, ‘Mr. President Trump, calm down with the tweets. Enough with the tweets.’ But they’re out there, and I’m a winner, beautiful tweets.”

“What does it say, sir?”

“I’m gonna call Mueller’s wife ugly.”

“Oh, please don’t do that, Mr. President.”

“Who is this? I know who this is because I do and you should believe me, but who is this?”

“This is the attorney from the Special Counsel’s Office. James Quarles.”

“James, have you had lunch? We’re getting Wendy’s. The chicken sandwich over there is so fantastic, the best you’ll ever eat. Some people get it with mayo, but I like the full chicken taste. Gimme chicken on my sandwich. Fries are good. Not McDonald’s. Gotta be honest and say that. Obama wouldn’t say that, but he probably preferred Burger King. Those people like Burger King. Wendy’s?”

“No, thank you, sir.”

“You can get chili.”

“I’m fine, sir.”

“I’ll get you a chili. You’ll have chili. James?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I need loyalty.”

“You gotta be kidding me.”

“Sir! I think I heard Jared calling you. Maybe he solved the Middle East.”

“Jared? Jared? General?”

DOOR CLOSING NOISE

“Y’know what, Ty? We’ll agree to any conditions you want. Just get your guy in the room with us, okay?”

“He’s gonna perjure himself during the oath.”

“Oh, yeah.”

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    March 20, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    Winken, Blinken, & Step-hen

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