Hey, Pope Francis. You look bored.
“It’s-a not all waving from-a da balcony and-a meeting da movie stars.”
Taking Confession sounds like the one perk of being a priest. Get to hear all the gossip.
“No, no. Is-a boring and-a sad. People all-a da same. Everybody has-a five, six sins. Nothing fun.”
You do this often?
“Si, si. Gotta remember your-a roots. I’m-a just a priest in-a da service of Jesus.”
Yeah, but you live in a castle.
“But it ain’t mine. I couldn’t-a sell it.”
Why do you know that?
“Whatsamattayou? How dare-a you say this about-a da Pope. I no sell-a da Vatican.”
I’m sorry, Your Holiness. I didn’t mean to imply–
“Ahhh, I got-a you. I was-a like Joe Pesci.”
“Si. He’s-a mad, but he’s-a not mad. He’s-a just fooling around. That’s-a what I did.”
You’re a prankster pope, Pope.
“But-a Benedict rented it out on-a da Airbnb.”
“The guest-a house. He turn-a it into da party central. I saw da Berlusconi one night!”
That guy shouldn’t be in the Vatican.
“Si, si. This Benedict, he’s-a half my day. Is-a like Dennis da Menace, and I’m-a da Mr. Wilson. You know-a da Vatican got-a radio station?”
“And you know who got-a da drive-time slot now?”
“He’s-a da shock jock. Plays-a da fart noise. He has-a da poor and-a da diseased on-a da show. He no-a minister to them and-a relieve their suffering.”
What does he do?
“He throw-a bologna at them.”
That’s Howard Stern’s bit.
“Benedict steal-a da jokes. He find-a da priest with-a da stutter. Make-a him talk.”
Oh, he’s a monster.
“Si, si. Get-a your own material.”
So, what’s this kid confessing?
“Whatta you think?”
“Its-a always da impure deeds.”