Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Two Princes

elvis-vernon-press-conf

“AS AH WAS SAYIN’–”

Are you still at this?

“DON’T YOU INTERRUPT THE KING, BOY! AH’M DOING THESE PEOPLE HERE A FAVOR BY LETTIN’ ‘EM ASK ME QUESTIONS AND BE SO CLOSE TO ME! AH HAVE ALSO BROUGHT MY FILTHY REDNECK DADDY, VERNON, WITH ME.”

Did you buy him that suit?

“AH DID NOT.”

No?

“AH HAD IT MADE FOR HIM.”

Right. He looks like he should be refusing to close down the beach on the Fourth of July.

“MAH DADDY IS A FINE SOUTHERN PRINCE OF A MAN! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE HIM OF IGNORING THE SHARK ATTACKS!”

Elvis, face it: your father Vernon is going to pretend this problem doesn’t exist until it swims up behind him and bites him in the ass!

“WHAT ARE WE TALKIN’ ABOUT?”

I have no idea.

“AH AM MOVING ON! ASSEMBLED PRESS PEOPLE,  MEMPHIS MAFIA, MAH BEAUTIFUL DRUNKEN HILLBILLY FATHER VERNON, AH PROMISE YOU THAT AH WILL SETTLE THIS LITTLE THING WITH THAT THERE FAT BOY, AND AH WILL BE THE HERO OF THE COMIC BOOK, AND AH WILL ALSO PROB’LY MAKE DOCTOR GARY AN’ DR. NICK FIGHT TO THE DEATH.”

Elvis, I think keeping the public apprised of your every move here is going to be counter to your goals.

“WELL, YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE LOVE ME SO MUCH.”

They do. But this is going out live over the internet.”

“THE INNERWHAT?”

Great. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t call Kim Jong-Un names into the microphone.”

“MICROPHONES. I’M ELVIS, I GET A LOTTA MICS, MAN.”

I see that.

“DON’T HAVE TO GO BEGGIN’ FOR ‘EM LIKE SOME PEOPLE.”

Unnecessary.

“WHEN DID AH CALL HIM NAMES?”

You called him Fat Boy.

“COURSE AH DID. THASS HIS NAME.”

What? No. His name is Kim Jung-Un. Fat Boy is not a name.

“CHOW YUN FAT. IP MAN. FAT BOY IS A PERFECTLY CHINESE NAME.”

Korean.

“AH FOUGHT THE KOREANS WHILE STATIONED IN GERMANY!”

Sure.

“IS HE BIG AND FAT? A ROLY-POLY TUB KINDA GUY?”

Elvis, please! He might be watching! He’s sensitive as hell!

“AW, I’M JUST FUNNIN’.”

CUT TO – INT. KING TUT SUITE

“Who that sissy boy think he is!?

Kim Jong-Un?

“He so cool? He so awesome? LOOK WHO I HANG WITH, YOU SISTERFUCKING HILL PERSON!”

kim-jong-un-brad-pitt-jolie

How’d they get up there!?

“I kidnap.

Jesus.

“I make sit down. Talk. More important: I make listen.'”

Well, here’s a sentence that’s never been written before: Kim Jung-Un, please don’t marriage counsel Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

“They two crazy kids just trying to make it.”

Leave Brangelina alone.

“Who?”

Brangelina. You combine their names. Tabloids call them that. Brad plus Angelina. Brangelina.

“No can say this word with Only Korean accent.”

It’s barely pronounceable if you’re from America.

“Okay, you send Josh Meyer for hang. Or I torture.”

Please don’t torture Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

“They on nerves. He smelly, she crazy.”

Sounds right. Don’t torture them, please. I’ll see what I can do.

“Tell hillbilly not talk about me.”

Sure.

“Nuke is armed.”

What?

“Nothing.”

bobby-acoustic-holy-shirt-jpg

Hey, Bobby? I was wondering if you could help–

“I told you I wanted no part of this”

Okay, okay. Just checking.

3 Comments

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 21, 2016 at 9:23 am

    As much as he tried, Elvis could never get the Vulcan hand greeting right.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 21, 2016 at 9:24 am

    Is that Mickey Rooney with B and J?

  3. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 21, 2016 at 9:25 am

    Bobby tried to come up with a “Vulcan” chord, but he just could not get it right either.

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