Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Two Tub Man

jm skin care secrets

What are you doing with your life?

“Enjoying technology and sharing my hard-earned secrets to a gleaming cheek and dewy lip.”

You’re a weirdo.

“Do you know I washed my face with soap for years? Years!”

Is that wrong?

“So wrong. What do you wash your face with?”

Irish Spring.

“I don’t even know how to respond to that. I should make you up a starter kit for my regimen.”

Just send the money, and I’ll buy it myself.

“First, you start with the pre-cleanser. I prefer Look by Luc. Great deal, too: 3 ounces for $800.”


“Now you’re into the base scrub, and for that you’ll want Dr. Shmuley Boteach’s Multi-Bubble Stubble Trouble. It gets into pores you didn’t know you had, or wanted.”

You don’t say.

“Obviously, you should have removed all of your makeup before you started.”

You wear makeup?

“I have beauty-enhancing creams, powders, and inks professionally applied to my face in the morning.”

Not makeup.

“Makeup’s for ladies. My eyeliner was made specifically for men.”

If you say so.

“It’s called Vampire Body Slam by Max Factor. That’s the manliest phrase I’ve ever heard.”

I’ll give you that.

“If I may continue?”

Yeah, now I’m fascinated by how complicated you’ve made washing your face.

“Great. We’ve pre-cleansed, we’ve cleansed, we’ve patted dry with our Gucci hand towels.”

Gucci makes hand towels?

“If you pay them enough, they’ll make you anything you ask for.”


“Some people let their faces air dry, but I find I get distracted by the internet or start soloing. I like to concentrate on the moneymaker.”

What’s next?

“Glad you asked. So many people would moisturize here, but it’s like: what? Right? That’s fuckin’ nuts!”

Those wackadoos.

“Moisturizing is for the whole face, but first you’ve got to target your trouble areas. There’s your T-Zone.”


“Your B-Zone.”


“Your P-Zone.”

That’s a thing Pizza Hut sells.

“Sounds good, order me one. Anyway, then it’s time to apply balms of all sort. I prefer Le Soin Noir by Givenchy, which is a calming balm.”

A calming balm?

“And it’s got some heat to it.”

A warming balm?

“You didn’t realize how much fun washing your face could be, did you?”

I totally didn’t.

“This is awesome. I feel like we’re connecting.”

Me, too. John?



“I fucking hate you.”

I did not give him your number.

“Well, then: who did?”


Beats me. You should answer that. He just wants to be friends.

“He’s an evil dictator with nukes.”

Don’t judge him like that. He’s an only child.

“Because he had his siblings executed.”


Sure, but he’s never had your siblings executed, has he?

“This not John Mayer’s phone.”

“You no fool me with reverse psychology, Hot Dog Dick. Father invent psychology, then invent reverse psychology right after.”

“How do you keep getting my numbers?

“Only Korea got best hackers.”

“Stop calling.”

“We Facetime?”


“We text?”


“We sext?”


“Come hang. We get bitches and hot tub.”

kim jong un hot tub

“I don’t want to hot tub with you.”

“And bitches.”

“No, thank you.”

“We can hot tub just you and me. I usually not into that, but is different with you.”

“I’m gonna hang up and stop calling me.”

“Explore each other body. Just men together.”

“I hate you.”

“How can be wrong when feel so right, Josh Meyer?”



  1. From mud sharks to mud masks….. times have definitely changed.

  2. It’s what you do with the fish you catch that counts.

  3. Did Von Baconson just ‘Spencer’ and Spencer therefore Von Baconsoned?

    You guys go back to your normal roles,

    What’s next? Dawn posts a dank Meme?

  4. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    August 17, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    Ripples, in still water

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