Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Two's A Crowd

Some thing you don’t need more than one of: keyboardists. Other examples include…

  • Bassoonists.
  • Terrordactyls
  • Norwegians hiding under your bed with a hard-on.
  • Assholes. Out of all the body parts you’ve only got one of, your asshole is the most-necessarily singular. Guy with two dicks has a party trick and a potential career, that girl with two heads had a reality show, fellow with two livers can make some serious coin with just one phone call to Phil. Two assholes just means there’s shit all over the place.
  • Bowls of cereal. Show some restraint: you’re getting so fat as to be called “bulbous.”
  • Membership in a superhero team. Looking at you, Wolverine.
  • Barrel of monkeys, because that saying’s a trick. Even one barrel of monkeys will–depending on the species, obviously–be no fun at all. Monkeys are terrible and violent and clever and psychotic. They’re like hairy, naked Billys (okay: hairier, nakeder Billys) and they will exact retribution for perceived slights by eating your genitals and hands.
  • First off: what kind of barrel are we talking about? One of those giant whiskey suckers? Or a prop barrel you’d see at Disney in the Wild West section? That’s a huge range of possible monkeys, frankly. Are we talking six-eight, or 25 or so?
  • And, obviously: what type of monkey? Vervet? Macaque? Japanese Snow? Howler? Shit, even if the howler monkeys don’t get out of the barrel (which they will,) you’ve got another problem to deal with.
  • Howling.
  • And there’s the elephant in the room, which is that the vast majority of Americans* don’t know the difference between a monkey and an ape. (Here’s a quick rule of thumb: monkeys’ snouts are shaped like a “C” and their teeth can be seen when their mouths are closed; apes have leaves of three, so you should let them be.)
  • So now: fuck me as though monkeys weren’t bad enough, I got a barrelfull of enraged chimpanzees in my living room. Everything in a one-mile radius is now getting eaten, fucked, and killed. In that order.
  • Even if the apes weren’t violent–let’s say you got orangutans, who most certainly would be violent, but just going on their whole “stoner Buddha” vibe–you’d still have anywhere from a half-dozen to a score enormous shitmonsters scorching your nostrils with a smell so powerful it was nearly tangible.
  • So: two barrels of monkey? Fuck that noise, Chachi.
  • Drummers.

* “More fun than a barrelfull of monkeys” is an American phrase: it must be. Only a monkey-less culture would equate monkeys with fun, rather than thieving and spreading diseases.

1 Comment

  1. Who doesn’t eat two bowls of cereal? What are you going to do with all that milk left over at the end?

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