Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Uncle Jam Wants Two (More Shows)

Screen_Shot_2015-07-07_at_10.29.15_AMdwx-760x415Is that a sport coat?

“Yo, Ass. Doing an interview here.”

You look like Richard Dreyfus’ stunt double.

“Thank you.”

Sure. Played your ass off, Bill.

“That’s what I do.”

What’d you think of the shows?

“Saturday was great. First set on Sunday. Don’t remember Friday.”

Sounds right.

“Fireworks were nice. The Sousa was nice: Bill Graham would’ve liked that. Old-school.”

Speaking of the Fourth: before that night, had the seven of you ever played U.S. Blues all the way through? For a strict definition of “rehearsed,” had it been?

“Everyone knew it.”

Gotcha. You wanna do more shows?

“Fuck, yeah, Ass!”

Don’t call me that.

“The East Coast Deadheads deserve shows, too.”


“It’s like Patton and Churchill thought after WWII: we got the trucks and supply lines, might as well keep going and fight the Commies now.”

Don’t bring the WWII into this.

“Aw, I get it. Money on the table is to be walked away from with a sneer, right, man?”

No one ever said that.

“If there was enough demand for another show, we did another show if we could. Stuff was already set up, kids got to dance some more, we got another check, penicillin shots for all. Everybody’s happy. No different now.”

You have a point.

“And, you know: you don’t wanna do that again?”

I would, yes.


Oh, hold the fuck on, Dreamweaver William–

“I had you a little hypnotized there.”

–who’s in the band for these East Coast shows?

“The redhead?”


“Sure, okay.”

I think he’s busy.

“How about we use the–”

You cannot use the Time Sheath technology to bring Garcia here and put a Lucha Libre mask on him and have him play guitar.

“–Time Sheath technology to bring…dammit.”

You need a guitarist.

“Eddie Hazel.”


“That kid who smells like the mall seems to want the job. What’s his name? California Bibbledy-Bop?”

That’s not his name.

“Anyway, he’s a Deadhead and wants the job and doesn’t need a whole bunch of letters tongue-bathing his ginger balls.”

He seems eager, yeah.

“Gonna sic Benjy on him.”

Okay. What about Phil?

“What about him?”

Will he be there?

“But, why ask about Phil first? Why not Mickey?”

Because Mickey will be there. If you build it, he will drum.

“Good one.”

Thank you. So: Phil.

“It’s all about relationships, man. And it turns out that the good feelings I had about my relationship to the giant check far outweighed any possible bad feelings I might have had about Phil, or his Jewish fellow, or just about anyone on the planet, really.”

I see.

“It was a big check.”

Hope so, yeah.

“Got me a money boner.”


“Stick it in the slot and make change.”

Wow. Can we stop talking?

“Memorial Day at RFK with John Major and Bootsy Collins on bass!”

Good luck with that.

“Billy’s back!”


  1. You mean Labor Day?

    I always screw that one up too.

  2. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 12, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    richard dreyfus meets buddy ebsen

    “granny, i’d be much obliged if’n’ ya didn’t put hang yer panties on the rod”

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